Holiday Exclusive: Chistmas Morning Brings Unexpected Disapointment

Early Christmas morning, tens of thousands of spoiled brats awoke to find empty stockings hanging from their Italian marble mantles. The absence of truckloads of ridiculously extravagant gifts under some of the poshest trees in the country, Library Conspiracies has learned, was the handiwork of one elf on a mission, Mr. Snooky Bing-A-Ling.

Pictured right, Mr. Bing-A-Ling chose Christmas 2007 to finally rebel against what he sees as the "socioeconomic paradigm that maintains and encourages a monetary-based gift distribution schema that ensures some kids get everything and others get the shaft."

"I was just sick of it all, you know," explains Bing-A-Ling "Every year it was the same story. Nintendo Wii's and iPods were delivered to the Hamptons and tube socks and paddle balls to the Bronx. I just couldn't take one more year of all those overindulged monsters getting everything they want and nothing they deserve, while really good, really poor kids get balsa gliders."

Snooky's plan was a simple one: hide in Santa's sleigh and secretly toss high-end gifts overboard as they flew over the Bronx, East L.A., and 8 Mile. "Of course I couldn't be sure that kids would get the falling gifts, but I figured it was better for them to end up in Rico's Pawn Shop and Paycheck Loan Emporium then under the tree of some commodities trader."

At 11:47 pm pacific time, Snooty put his plan into action as he threw out his first Playstation 3 as the sleigh passed over the El Rico projects of Oakland.

Library Conspiracies has obtained exclusive photographic documentation of Snooty's plan in action. Taken at 12:07 eastern time, the picture to the left was taken by armature stargazer, Nelson Crockett. A close examination of the photo reveals a laptop, iPod, Playstation 3, Wii, and plasma tv falling to the streets of the Bronx.

All was not lost to the rotten no-goodnicks of the upper class, however, as Santa was forced to leave toys from his emergency stash of penny whistles, marbles, and kaleidoscopes. Unfortunately, as one North Pole elf explained, "that stuff is total, crap! We don't even make that garbage here. It is cheaper just to buy it online from Chang's Chinese Exports."

Needless to say, Christmas morning in Manhattan, Malibu, and Scottsdale reverberated with the sounds of gnashing teeth, temper tantrums, and crushed kaleidoscopes.

One young Manhattanite summed up the mood of the morning when she opened her first gift and huffed "A jump rope . . . what the hell is this? Am I in Tijuana?!"

As of the date of this post, Santa could not be reached for comment.

All this Librarian can say is . . . so that's where my Playstation 3 went!

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith