Lake Monster Captured on Film in Bear Lake, Utah

A peaceful August afternoon in Bear Lake, Utah was thrown into panicked chaos as the cool, clear waters suddenly revealed the serpentine body of the mythical Bear Lake Monster. Terrified onlookers watched as the large monster gracefully swam 217 yards before submerging and disappearing back into the lake's legendary blue depths.

The Bear Lake Monster has a long history dating back the the 1800's, when it was first documented by Native American tribes in the region. The monster has been described as a "water dragon," "aquatic dinosaur," and even a "giant beaver," but on this afternoon, the monster revealed itself as an enormous snake-like beast capable of swimming at high speeds.


On the afternoon of August 12, 2007, the monster was first sighted by a man known only as "Uncle Marty." Pictured left, Uncle Marty first spotted the monster while shotgunning his third Keystone Light.

"As I bit down on the bottom of the can, you know . . . for the shotgun, I saw this giant snake just poke up out of the water. Well I threw down my brewskie, right into the sand and ran to the water."

Witnesses recall Uncle Marty running to the lake's edge, trampling a day-long sandcastle endeavor in the process.

"He just stood there, pointing and screaming like a little girl, a high-pitched, almost soprano scream" recalls an unnamed family member. "We all just thought he was just . . . you know . . . plastered, but there it was out in the water, the biggest snake I had ever seen so I grabbed my camera from my brother who was using it to take pictures of his butt and snapped a few pictures of the monster. We all just couldn't believe what we were seeing."

Although no other witnesses reported seeing the Bear Lake Monster that afternoon, the family of Uncle Marty vehemently maintain they all saw the beast. Although it should be noted that gallons of jungle juice were reportedly consumed by Uncle Marty and his family that afternoon.

When questioned, one nephew (too young to consumer alcohol) was quoted as saying "All I remember is seeing Uncle Marty peeing on the sandcastle I spent all day building . . . what a jerk-face!"

All this Librarian can say is . . . water dragon, aquatic dinosaur, giant beaver, drunken hallucination, or blatant crappy Photoshop edit, the myth of the Bear Lake Monster lives on.

Pass the jungle juice!

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Laser Pointers Linked to IQ and Grade Decline at Upstate New York University

Last winter, several undergraduate students enrolled in The Avenue University in Upstate New York reported rapid and unexplained declines in grade point averages and general IQ. Prompted by the influx of such claims, the university ordered an investigation into the alleged brain drain. The university quickly discovered a startling link between the use of laser pointers during lectures and the degenerating intelligence of its student population.

All students reporting intelligence loss were enrolled in courses taught by either Dr. Theodore Tarquin, a professor of Anthropology, or Dr. Ana Benoit, a professor of Medieval Literature. Both professors are well-known for their heavy reliance on the use of laser pointers to draw attention to areas of their rudimentary and poorly crafted PowerPoint presentations.

As 'Student X' (pictured left), a student enrolled in Bonsai Cultivation 210 (a niche interest area of Dr. Tarquin's) reported, "Day after day, it was those damn PowerPoint presentations. You'd think what with it being a bonsai class we would get to prune bonsai, but no . . . just class after class of really crappy PowerPoint presentations full of low resolution pics of people pruning bonsai! Just watching that laser bounce around the projector screen pointing to fuzzy pics, I could feel myself getting more stupider."

More stupider, indeed.

Head of the Theoretical Laser Technology and Integrated Subatomic Particle-Execlematronics Department at The Avenue University, Dr. Hubert Snelligan believes the quantum-mechanical and thermodynamical process of laserization is inhibiting the brain's ability to correctly nueralize thought processes. Dr. Tarquin and Dr. Benoit use laser pointers so often in lieu of any kind of refined lecturing skills that their classrooms have become saturated by rampant laserization byproducts, which are literally making their students more stupider.

"The laserization process that occurs during the use of laser pointers is creating an unstable atomic atmosphere, and loose electrons are clouding the neurological paths within the brain, rendering even the most basic intelligences . . . well . . . defunk," stated Dr. Snelligan.

Fearing that the general public might learn of The Avenue University faculty's unregulated use of PowerPoint presentations and laser pointers as replacements for the acquisition of even the most basic teaching skills, the formal report filed by Dr. Snelligan and the Internal Affairs Investigative Team has since been buried. It is currently stuffed in the decrepit and dank academic library stacks of The Avenue University's Early Euclidean Geometrical and Algebraic Expressions section. Because the truth about the harmful effects of laser pointers has been buried by The Avenue University, as of this post, laser pointers are currently still being used in over 55,000 college classrooms, and interrupting 789 movies annually, leaving hundreds of thousands of American vulnerable to Laserization Dumification.

Dr. Tarquin could not be reached for comment, but Dr. Benoit happily reports that she is currently creating a PowerPoint Presentation on Early English Literature that will include what will be a small laser-highlighted gif animation featuring Sir Gawain decapitating an understandably pissed Grendel. This Librarian didn't want to point out that it is in fact Beowulf who decapitates not Grendel, not Sir Gawain but with all that rampant laserization, can you blame her?

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith