Wednesday, October 01, 2008

the last thing I'll ever do

Please forgive us and our. Long absence, and I'm afraid it shall be longer. It appears THEY have found us, we have had to go into hiding. This post will be the last. No matter what THEY say about us, and what we tried to do in sharing the truth no matter the risk it was all for you the reader. Never forget you've been warned...

Thursday, July 10, 2008

The Red Eye


I had one of the most interesting reference questions today. A man came in asking me how he could contact a African Tribal Exorcist. Now I have to admit this perked my interest, but being one for patron privacy I didn't ask any unnecessary questions, but while I worked with the patron the story unfolded and with his permission I am able to share it with you my readers.

He had been suffering from a severe case of hemroids for six months and after trying to cure the pains with medicine, homeopathic methods and even surgery found no relief. The stress and doubt brought on by the constant pain, itching, and bleeding resulted in a messy divorce with his wife. He sadly admitted to me that he had hoped the pain would end after she left.

For those that would like to use this in a medical study he provided a picture of the actual hemroid.

More desperate than ever he began to talk to the fringe members of society. A psychic was able to come to his home and discovered that he was in fact being possessed by an 18th Century Sodomite that was repeatedly raping him from the inside out. He learned from another reference librarian and the psychic the identity of sodomite.

Of course the initial reaction was bad but once he came to grips with the cause, he was excited to find a cure. He was sent to talk to a tarot card reader he found out that he had to travel to Africa and have a tribal exorcism. It was the only cure. During my research I discovered an article from the New York Times, that discussed a Kenyan Lawyer's experience with a tribal exorcist and with my personal network was able to find out the location of the tribe.

After reaching Africa he was able to expel the spirit, to respect the religious experince I am unable to post the full experience in Africa, but let me just say they know how to exerist a spirit in Africa.

I hope this story was able to educate as well as expand your experiences and know that you've been warned...

Monday, May 12, 2008

The X-Files Sequel Finally Goes Public

Details about the much-anticipated X-Files sequel are finally starting to trickle out to the public, though the flow is about as slow as the progression of our favorite agents' relationship.

The title of the movie has officially been released as The X-Files: I Want to Believe.

Though not technically released yet, some dedicated X-Philes have bootlegged both the short and extended trailers from various comic and sci-fi conventions around the country.

Because we here at Library Conspiracies believe in bringing covert information to the masses, posted below are all of the currently available bootlegged promos.

The short trailer.

The extended trailer

The series recap trailer

Mulder misses Scully

Scully Misses Mulder

Now as a "shipper," I don't want to think about why Mulder misses Scully and Scully misses Mulder . . . 'cause we waited a long time for that relationship to come to fruition, but in the words of Fox Mulder, "Maybe there's hope."

To keep up on all the official and not-so-official news about The X-Files: I Want to Believe, check out X-Files News.

If you like to keep everything official check out the official website, or good ol' Internet Movie Database.

We of course can't guarantee how long we will be able to keep all this great promo material posted, after all, it's all bootleg . . . and Fox is a big bully.

Watch while you can.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be International Assassins

Sorry dear readers for the long reprise. For this story I have had to travel the reaches of the globe to bring you the truth. It has nearly caused my own death on three different occasions, but I digress.

While checking a "Baby Einstein" video for damages a Patron brought to my attention, I found a disturbing image appear on the screen for only a split second that at first glance it appeared to be only normal static from use, but I saw something else. I took the tape apart on our cleaning wheel and found that there was no damage. I played it again and at the same place on the tracking number the static appeared. I hooked it up to my computer and played it back through a freeware program that allows you to edit video content(The Christian Right Wing is good for a few things). The static that appears is actually a printed image that reads, "A Good Assassin Always Plans 3 Escape routes for any Hit."

I immediately looked at three other tapes that were available. Once again, I found more messages, one that explains how to take apart and clean a sniper rifle, one that explained the best way to cut up and destroy a corpse, and how to contact illegal gun runners in foreign countries. I wanted to check out more but of course they are so popular with the many moms in my community that there weren't anymore available. I researched the company and found out that the movies and video labels are manufactured in two different countries, one the largest communist country in the world, and the other a third world country known for harboring international criminals.

While in China I was unable to actually investigate the video "factory" because I was followed the entire time. My rental car's brakes went out and I nearly drove into a coal mine. I left before the Chinese Secret Police could do anymore damage. In Peru, the DVD cover printing factory was actually a shady terrorist training camp.
It seemed that after spending the morning running through a jungle gym set, running through a maze of old tires, shooting at coconut targets, they spent the second half of the day creating and printing the different types of covers. When I was discovered, I had to run through the jungle and survive off of fist-sized insects. After jumping off a forty-foot-tall waterfall to lose my pursuers, I decided I wasn't cut out for the hands-on investigations.

Upon returning to America, I went to talk to a patron that is constantly checking out the videos for her 4 children all under the age of five. Needless to say she was alarmed to hear and see my evidence of the subliminal training, but after she had calmed down, she admitted that she was relieved to discover that her children’s actions now seemed to make sense. She said, "Little Joe has killed three of the neighbor hood dogs with his jar of tinker toys that he used to build a crossbow." I wanted to ask her more questions, but she left the room to make a spot of tea, and her two twin babies Floyd and Maria tried to kill me by stuffing their cute pudgy fists down my throat and suffocating me. The only thing that saved me was my excellent gag reflex.

I wish there was something I could do to stop the brainwashing of our future, but alas their parent company is the Disney Company and I can't even begin to tell you how worrisome that is. This particular assignment has shown me my mortality and all I can say is it's up to each of you to stop the cycle by not purchasing these videos anymore unless you want to watch the horror your children will reap.

You've been warned...