Wednesday, October 01, 2008

the last thing I'll ever do

Please forgive us and our. Long absence, and I'm afraid it shall be longer. It appears THEY have found us, we have had to go into hiding. This post will be the last. No matter what THEY say about us, and what we tried to do in sharing the truth no matter the risk it was all for you the reader. Never forget you've been warned...

Thursday, July 10, 2008

The Red Eye


I had one of the most interesting reference questions today. A man came in asking me how he could contact a African Tribal Exorcist. Now I have to admit this perked my interest, but being one for patron privacy I didn't ask any unnecessary questions, but while I worked with the patron the story unfolded and with his permission I am able to share it with you my readers.

He had been suffering from a severe case of hemroids for six months and after trying to cure the pains with medicine, homeopathic methods and even surgery found no relief. The stress and doubt brought on by the constant pain, itching, and bleeding resulted in a messy divorce with his wife. He sadly admitted to me that he had hoped the pain would end after she left.

For those that would like to use this in a medical study he provided a picture of the actual hemroid.

More desperate than ever he began to talk to the fringe members of society. A psychic was able to come to his home and discovered that he was in fact being possessed by an 18th Century Sodomite that was repeatedly raping him from the inside out. He learned from another reference librarian and the psychic the identity of sodomite.

Of course the initial reaction was bad but once he came to grips with the cause, he was excited to find a cure. He was sent to talk to a tarot card reader he found out that he had to travel to Africa and have a tribal exorcism. It was the only cure. During my research I discovered an article from the New York Times, that discussed a Kenyan Lawyer's experience with a tribal exorcist and with my personal network was able to find out the location of the tribe.

After reaching Africa he was able to expel the spirit, to respect the religious experince I am unable to post the full experience in Africa, but let me just say they know how to exerist a spirit in Africa.

I hope this story was able to educate as well as expand your experiences and know that you've been warned...

Monday, May 12, 2008

The X-Files Sequel Finally Goes Public

Details about the much-anticipated X-Files sequel are finally starting to trickle out to the public, though the flow is about as slow as the progression of our favorite agents' relationship.

The title of the movie has officially been released as The X-Files: I Want to Believe.

Though not technically released yet, some dedicated X-Philes have bootlegged both the short and extended trailers from various comic and sci-fi conventions around the country.

Because we here at Library Conspiracies believe in bringing covert information to the masses, posted below are all of the currently available bootlegged promos.

The short trailer.

The extended trailer

The series recap trailer

Mulder misses Scully

Scully Misses Mulder

Now as a "shipper," I don't want to think about why Mulder misses Scully and Scully misses Mulder . . . 'cause we waited a long time for that relationship to come to fruition, but in the words of Fox Mulder, "Maybe there's hope."

To keep up on all the official and not-so-official news about The X-Files: I Want to Believe, check out X-Files News.

If you like to keep everything official check out the official website, or good ol' Internet Movie Database.

We of course can't guarantee how long we will be able to keep all this great promo material posted, after all, it's all bootleg . . . and Fox is a big bully.

Watch while you can.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be International Assassins

Sorry dear readers for the long reprise. For this story I have had to travel the reaches of the globe to bring you the truth. It has nearly caused my own death on three different occasions, but I digress.

While checking a "Baby Einstein" video for damages a Patron brought to my attention, I found a disturbing image appear on the screen for only a split second that at first glance it appeared to be only normal static from use, but I saw something else. I took the tape apart on our cleaning wheel and found that there was no damage. I played it again and at the same place on the tracking number the static appeared. I hooked it up to my computer and played it back through a freeware program that allows you to edit video content(The Christian Right Wing is good for a few things). The static that appears is actually a printed image that reads, "A Good Assassin Always Plans 3 Escape routes for any Hit."

I immediately looked at three other tapes that were available. Once again, I found more messages, one that explains how to take apart and clean a sniper rifle, one that explained the best way to cut up and destroy a corpse, and how to contact illegal gun runners in foreign countries. I wanted to check out more but of course they are so popular with the many moms in my community that there weren't anymore available. I researched the company and found out that the movies and video labels are manufactured in two different countries, one the largest communist country in the world, and the other a third world country known for harboring international criminals.

While in China I was unable to actually investigate the video "factory" because I was followed the entire time. My rental car's brakes went out and I nearly drove into a coal mine. I left before the Chinese Secret Police could do anymore damage. In Peru, the DVD cover printing factory was actually a shady terrorist training camp.
It seemed that after spending the morning running through a jungle gym set, running through a maze of old tires, shooting at coconut targets, they spent the second half of the day creating and printing the different types of covers. When I was discovered, I had to run through the jungle and survive off of fist-sized insects. After jumping off a forty-foot-tall waterfall to lose my pursuers, I decided I wasn't cut out for the hands-on investigations.

Upon returning to America, I went to talk to a patron that is constantly checking out the videos for her 4 children all under the age of five. Needless to say she was alarmed to hear and see my evidence of the subliminal training, but after she had calmed down, she admitted that she was relieved to discover that her children’s actions now seemed to make sense. She said, "Little Joe has killed three of the neighbor hood dogs with his jar of tinker toys that he used to build a crossbow." I wanted to ask her more questions, but she left the room to make a spot of tea, and her two twin babies Floyd and Maria tried to kill me by stuffing their cute pudgy fists down my throat and suffocating me. The only thing that saved me was my excellent gag reflex.

I wish there was something I could do to stop the brainwashing of our future, but alas their parent company is the Disney Company and I can't even begin to tell you how worrisome that is. This particular assignment has shown me my mortality and all I can say is it's up to each of you to stop the cycle by not purchasing these videos anymore unless you want to watch the horror your children will reap.

You've been warned...

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Holiday Exclusive: Chistmas Morning Brings Unexpected Disapointment

Early Christmas morning, tens of thousands of spoiled brats awoke to find empty stockings hanging from their Italian marble mantles. The absence of truckloads of ridiculously extravagant gifts under some of the poshest trees in the country, Library Conspiracies has learned, was the handiwork of one elf on a mission, Mr. Snooky Bing-A-Ling.

Pictured right, Mr. Bing-A-Ling chose Christmas 2007 to finally rebel against what he sees as the "socioeconomic paradigm that maintains and encourages a monetary-based gift distribution schema that ensures some kids get everything and others get the shaft."

"I was just sick of it all, you know," explains Bing-A-Ling "Every year it was the same story. Nintendo Wii's and iPods were delivered to the Hamptons and tube socks and paddle balls to the Bronx. I just couldn't take one more year of all those overindulged monsters getting everything they want and nothing they deserve, while really good, really poor kids get balsa gliders."

Snooky's plan was a simple one: hide in Santa's sleigh and secretly toss high-end gifts overboard as they flew over the Bronx, East L.A., and 8 Mile. "Of course I couldn't be sure that kids would get the falling gifts, but I figured it was better for them to end up in Rico's Pawn Shop and Paycheck Loan Emporium then under the tree of some commodities trader."

At 11:47 pm pacific time, Snooty put his plan into action as he threw out his first Playstation 3 as the sleigh passed over the El Rico projects of Oakland.

Library Conspiracies has obtained exclusive photographic documentation of Snooty's plan in action. Taken at 12:07 eastern time, the picture to the left was taken by armature stargazer, Nelson Crockett. A close examination of the photo reveals a laptop, iPod, Playstation 3, Wii, and plasma tv falling to the streets of the Bronx.

All was not lost to the rotten no-goodnicks of the upper class, however, as Santa was forced to leave toys from his emergency stash of penny whistles, marbles, and kaleidoscopes. Unfortunately, as one North Pole elf explained, "that stuff is total, crap! We don't even make that garbage here. It is cheaper just to buy it online from Chang's Chinese Exports."

Needless to say, Christmas morning in Manhattan, Malibu, and Scottsdale reverberated with the sounds of gnashing teeth, temper tantrums, and crushed kaleidoscopes.

One young Manhattanite summed up the mood of the morning when she opened her first gift and huffed "A jump rope . . . what the hell is this? Am I in Tijuana?!"

As of the date of this post, Santa could not be reached for comment.

All this Librarian can say is . . . so that's where my Playstation 3 went!

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Sunday, December 16, 2007


I think this is fitting for the site as it deals with the unexplained.

This is part of a new viral campaign/contest. The more people that view this the better chance I have at winning a private screening. Thanks for the help.

You've been warned...

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Alien Technology or Magic?

Chris Angel and David Blaine are not your normal magicians.

Today while working at the library I listened in on a conversation between an old man (researching online on how to buy a used plane, so that he could stay in motion above the earth at all times to avoid being controlled by the government. Think WaterWorld but in the air. AirWorld.) and a young women as they had a common interest, exposing magicians for the frauds that they are. The older man’s focus is on Chris Angel. The young women’s focus is David Blaine. They have both found proof that the two magicians are not actually magical but are rather using alien technology to perform their “magical” feats.

I found with a little lo-fi technology you can uncover the truth. What you will need is an old VCR. Record either one as they perform their magic on TV under the SP option, so that the VCR records more frames per second. You can then watch the taped trick under slow speed and see for yourself the uncanny alien science behind the magic.

If you are lucky enough to record Chris Angel’s levitation when you watch it back in slow motion you will see a green blur that last for only a few seconds before he levitates. This is the alien technology or science. Chris has learned to use this to lighten his body mass to that of a feather. He can hover for a few seconds before coming down to the ground. The green blur or gas is the body weight burn off.

When you watch David Blaine in his water bubble trick in the slowed down recording you can see a disturbance on either side of his neck. This is the alien science at work allowing David Blaine, to absorb oxygen from the water through his neck and into his lungs.

I do not know how they have learned the alien technology to complete these tricks but you have to wonder did they steal them or were they given to them? These are the real questions and the true conspiracy, but as of yet I do not know the answers. To be on the safe side of the invasion I wouldn't align myself to either man.

You've been warned...

Thursday, November 22, 2007

The Conspiracy Continues . . . Well . . . Sort of

X-Philes around the world rejoiced as Twentieth Century Fox finally green-lighted a second big screen adventure for Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully (well, technically, former Special Agents). This announcement comes after years of false starts and misinformation about the, until now, mythical sequel.

Although the nearly decade-long X-Files television series was built around a central conspiracy storyline of shadow government deception, the untitled X-Files sequel will be a stand alone supernatural thriller. The upcoming movie promises to recapture the creepy, dark atmosphere of the scary stand alone episodes that made the series a hit.

Unfortunately the film will not tie up the slew of loose ends related to the complex conspiracy mythology left dangling after the series finale, nonetheless the return of Mulder and Scully surely marks a day of celebration for any self-respecting conspiracy buff . . . who also . . . um . . . really likes the X-files.

The tentative release date is set for July 25th of 2008. To keep posted on new developments, keep and eye on the Untitled X-Files Sequel on Internet Movie Database.

All this Librarian can say is . . . finally!

-- Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Ghost Investigators Society Interview

I am really honored to be able to share this interview with you. It is with Barbra a member and co-founder of the Ghost Investigators Society. Their headquarters are in Utah, but they travel the western United States investigating ghosts and hauntings. If you would like to contact the G.I.S. their web address is

Enjoy the interview

Ghost Investigator Interview

1. How did you end up becoming an expert, or "go to guy" on ghosts?

I was brought up in an active house. My grandparents, who helped raise me, also practiced spiritualism, which was probably a large cause of the activity. As a child, I thought everyone had at least one ghost that shared their homes. It wasn’t until I started school that I learned otherwise.
I do not consider anyone an expert in this, as there are too many unknowns about the phenomena. In fact, I am very leery about anyone who claims to be an “expert” in this field. We have our experiences and our theories, but nothing else.

2. Do you believe in ghosts? And if so, what's your theory behind the "science" of how they work?

Yes I do believe in them. I believe that there are laws that govern the paranormal world, but we do not know how those laws work at this time. Ghost activity defies our logic and they seem to be able to do the impossible, such as solid objects appearing out of thin air, moving solid objects by unseen forces. I probably will not live to see science have answers to it, but I hope our research helps put the puzzle pieces together.

3. Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yes, and I feel very fortunate, as there are researchers that have never had that experience. It was very exciting, once I realized what I had witnessed.

4. What surprised you the most, if anything, while doing your ghost research in Utah? Any particularly unusual stories or older stories debunked?

There are too many stories to have in this forum, but Utah has a wonderful history and many colorful characters that have allowed us to record their voices. Their personalities clearly come through their voices. I loved the ghost we encountered at the Ft. Douglas museum.

5. Can you share with me a couple of the more evil spirits that still haunt UT?

Sorry. I do not consider ghosts as evil spirits. Ghost have the same personality in death as they did in life. And Utah has an ample supply of wonderful ghosts.

6. Can you share with me a couple, of UT haunting stories that might be new to our UT-based readers?

There are ghosts that have been experienced at the Capital Theater in Salt Lake, the Egyptian Theater in Ogden and a very active location in Ogden is the old Union Railroad Station. These are the locations I am at liberty to disclose. (I later found out that GIS only disclose investigations with the permission of the owner of the business or home to protect their privacy.)

7. In your research, did you come across any great haunted restaurants in UT that residents here might find appropriate for a lunch sometime before Halloween?

The Union Grill
would be the only one I am able to mention.

8. What's the biggest myth about ghosts that people should know?

The myth that gripes me the most is that ghosts are evil or wicked. This is not the case. Most people have a preconceived notion what a ghost is supposed to look like or what they are. I understand that it can be un-nerving to have a ghost experience, but most ghosts are sad or confused. I would try to have people feel compassion for them and not fear.

9. Where do ghosts spend their time when they're not out haunting?

I would imagine they probably go about doing many things that they did in life. They are still the same person, just without a physical body.

10. When the inevitable happens, how would you like to spend your time as a ghost?

I plan on it, at least for a while, although since I really do not know what actually takes place at the time of death, I might no have what it takes. I always tell people that if you ever feel someone tap you on the shoulder and if there is no one there when you turn around, you’ll will know it’s me. I am a very happy person, and I believe most ghosts are not happy or have a situation unresolved.

11. Is there somewhere you’d like to haunt?

Too many places to mention.

12. How many of us do you suppose believe in ghosts?

I believe there are more than are willing to admit it. I am surprised at the amount of ridicule we get for investigating the phenomena! Another surprise is the amount of people who have said to me “I don’t believe in ghosts, but let me tell you about an experience I had…..”. Fortunately, I have noticed a positive change in peoples attitudes in the last 20 years.

13. What first drew you to the paranormal?

As I said, I was raised with it. My family always excepted the paranormal as a part of life and part of our world and that it is nothing to fear. I was not raised to fear what I don’t understand. It made me curious more than anything. On one hand, I want to know how it works but on the other hand, I love the mystery of it all.

14. How does a ghost hunter differ from a parapsychologist?

A hunter is just that, he hunts. I do not classify the G.I.S. as hunters. The Ghost Investigators Society investigates locations that have reported ghost activity taking place. A parapsychologist has the credentials, of course, and also has financial backing for equipment, travel, etc. The Ghost Investigators Society fund ourselves, so we are limited. It was a field I always wanted to get into, but no reputable schools offered the courses needed that I could find. There was not an internet to search. No one took me serious at that time.

15. Do you have a favorite novel or movie pertaining to the supernatural?

Oh yes. The movie “The Uninvited” is one of my favorites. Based on a true story. It’s old, I would guess early 1940’s. Another movie is “The Changeling” , another one based on a true story. I do not care for ghost “stories”, but I do enjoy researching actual ghost events.

16. Have you ever been in a situation that frightened you, or left you feeling uneasy?

Anything paranormal has never frightened me. It may someday, but it has not happened yet. I usually am more concerned or frightened about the living hurting me, especially when we are at certain locations on investigations.

17. Can you give us your definition of what a ghost or haunting is?

A ghost is the essence or spirit of a person who has lived, has had a body and has died, and for whatever reason, is still in our realm. I believe most ghost activity takes place due to a ghost trying to get someone’s attention. I believe they get very frustrated at times. Can you imagine how awful it would be to try to communicate with people and everyone ignores you? I feel very sorry for them.

18. Of all of your investigations concerning ghosts and hauntings, which cases stand out in your mind, which did you find to be the most interesting?

It was the wife a successful business man. He died unexpectedly and was in charge of his home, as well as his business. His office was in his home. He handled all of the finances and his wife had no idea who they owed or how much. She had always been a loving wife to him and a nurturing, loving mother to their children. His unexpected death was a shock to all who knew him.

Ghost activity started almost immediately upon his death, and continued on for months. His wife was a wreck and was unbelievably in the dark about even how to go about paying the bills. She had never worried about it before. She noticed most of the ghost activity took place in her husband’s office: drawers slamming or left opened. Books moved, items on his desk messed up. After a year had passed, and savings exhausted, she was on the verge of declaring bankruptcy, as she had no finances coming in. Her brother was the one that stumbled on all of the dead husband’s financial records and insurance policies, etc., while he was packing things up in the office, trying to help his sister. Once those things were discovered, the ghost activity stopped almost at once.

I believe he had been trying to show her where these things were, but she was too afraid and distraught to pay attention. To me, he had been trying to show her where the information was all along. This information saved the home from going into foreclosure and she is really well off financially today. Her husband was concerned about the welfare of his family, even in death. I am sure he regretted no relaying information to his wife prior to his death. His love for them prevented him from moving on. I have many more stories, but not enough space.

19. What is your opinion on today's "ghost busters" with their websites, radio and television shows that feature: electronic voice phenomena, thermometers, voltage meters and so on?

It’s a free country, people can do as they please. I believe many groups are looking for thrills & chills. Others seek fame & money. That is one thing I am proud about with The G.I.S. -we have never sold anything. We are not in this for the money. If anything, it costs us money. But any serious researcher I do not have a problem with. The more that is discovered about this subject, the better.

20. Do you believe in Bigfoot, UFO’s or any other non-mainstream event?

Until something is positively proven false, I have to leave room for the possibility of something. Just because I haven’t experienced or seen something, does not make it false. I know that there are molecules I cannot see, because science has proven they exist. How long did it take for science to be able to prove the existence of those molecules? We have just scratched the surface of science & knowledge. The more we learn, the more we learn we do not know that much.

21. Have you ever been slimed?

That is a silly question. I think you have watched too many “Hollywood” movies.

22. Is there any place that is haunted that you would never investigate?

No. If I could, that is what I would do for a living, and I would investigate every place that would let me in.

23. Do you think there are good and evil ghosts?

Of course. Just like there are good and evil people. But the majority of people, I believe, are good and descent.

24. When you get home from a hard nights investigation do you like to watch TV shows that are based on ghost like, The Ghost Whisper, Paranormal, Supernatural, X-Flies or Most Haunted? If so which one do you enjoy the most?

I really do not enjoy television. I could count on one hand how many times I have watched TV this past year. I have too many other things I enjoy doing. I’m usually exhausted by the time I get home, mentally & physically.

25. Can you explain why ghost look like people in person when people have witnessed seeing them, but in photographs they appear as balls of light?

I believe their energy is what you see in pictures and videos. I have theories on this, but I believe that when a person sees a ghost in human form, that ghost wanted you to see them. There have also been cases when the ghost is seen and the ghost reacts surprised when it is seen. This is one of the many mysteries of this phenomenon.

26. Do you do most of your investigations during the day or at night?

Mostly at night, just because it is more quiet then and there are less interruptions. We can also use all of our equipment at night, such as the night-vision cameras. But, we have had great investigations during the day, also, as far as getting recordings. Some of our best recordings has been during the day.

27. Is there a difference between ghosts that come out during the day compared to night ghosts?

Ghosts are there, both day and night. Most people are too busy and too much noise to notice it. If a ghost haunts a location, you can bet it is there any time of the day. Most activity is noticed at night, however, just because the noise factor is gone. Several business locations that have ghost have ghost activity during business hours. This rattles the secretary who works there, and these locations usually has a high turn over of employees.

28. Does this pay the bills or is it mostly a hobby?

No, it does not pay my bills, but I do not consider this a hobby. I have always been involved with this, even before it was the “in” thing to do.

29. Any last words to the readers on websites, books, or way they can learning more about ghost or becoming ghost hunters?

If this subject is something you have more than a passing interest in, I would encourage you to go to school and get your credentials. If you are a electronics expert or tech expert, and have a keen interest in the subject, there is a need for equipment to be developed in this research. If it is not a passion in finding out answers, and just more of passing interest, there are many good books on the subject.

Now that you have heard from someone that has been doing this for several years, you know more than most. If you would like to do your own investigations into the paranormal you’ve been warned…

Sunday, October 28, 2007

North Dakota Man Marries 16th Century Courtesan

Deep in the North Dakota "up country," a recent migration of single women to the infinitely more sophisticated North Dakota "down country" has skyrocketed the male to female ratio to a staggering 17 to 1. The resulting severe feminine deficiency has led to an over-abundance of lonely, desperate bachelors littering the up country's streets and sleazy bars.

Although many bachelors have resorted to personal ads, matchmakers, and eHarmony, one up countryman was lucky enough to meet the love of his life while on holiday in Rome, Italy. While on a tour of the Colosseum, "Albert" spotted the beautiful and effervescent Genevieve floating serenely through the legendary hypogeum. Albert originally attributed Genevieve's glow and gravity defying grace to dehydration hallucinations, but later realized her otherworldly attributes were just that . . . otherworldly. Being a lonely and desperate up countryman, Albert seized the opportunity to meet a nice and presumably single woman, and quickly asked Genevieve out on a date.

Over a romantic dinner of rigatoni and chianti, Genevieve explained to Albert that she is the ghost of a 16th century courtesan who was strangled by a jealous lover in the corridors of the hypogeum. As many Rome natives will explain, Genevieve is a well-known local ghost who can be seen wandering the abandoned hypogeum at night still dressed in her courtesan white garb. She is said to wander in search of the true love she was denied in life because of her "profession."

It didn't take long for Albert to fall under the spell of the ghostly courtesan. Genevieve's finely honed feminine wiles made short work of capturing Albert's heart. Knowing he may never have this opportunity for love once he returned to the sausage-fest up country, Albert quickly asked the courtesan for her hand in marriage. Genevieve, having never been allowed to marry as a courtesan, eagerly accepted.

Although all public agencies and legitimate clerics refused to wed a man to a ghost, an internt-ordained minister wed the two in exchange for Albert's eHarmony account, which has been prepaid for the next three years. Pictured above, Albert and Genevieve were married in the minister's unfinished basement. The two lovebirds vowed to "love, honor, and cherish." The "'till death do us part" clause was understandably omitted.

Although it took the residents of the up country some time to accept Genevieve into their small, tight-knit community, they eventually warmed to the apparition, the men, of course being overwhelmingly susceptible to the charms of a courtesan.

All this Librarian can say is . . . Happy Halloween!

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Friday, October 19, 2007

The Irish Lady in White

While on a trip to Milwaukee last weekend I came across a fitting story to relay. It seems the folklore behind the Lady in White or La Llorona as it is more commonly know is alive and well. I stayed at the County Clare a well and fine Irish Pub and Inn. While getting a warm meal an old Irish woman was performing for the crowd singing Ditties and telling tales. She was quite the character. She had her own clay pipe and harp that she took turns holding during the night.

One of her tales was of a local legend about the pub's name. It dates back to when it was first built in 1846. The family was forced out of Ireland due to the potato famine.

The Branigan family was large and every child had to find odd jobs to help support the family. Clare, the youngest daughter was weary of being made to mend socks and chew rich people's food for them. Clare wanted to seduce a young rich suitor, in hopes of a better life. Clare found a young man who was smitten by her beauty and they wed secretly. Clare had two children by him and for three years was truly happy, until the young man's father prearranged a beneficial marriage. Legend says Clare was driven mad with grief and worry and drowned their two kids in the Milwaukee river.

This is an actual picture of the attack, a young man named Joseph Tanner Mason, was near the river using a new invention called a camera, and mistakenly pointed the lens behind him near the river. He was surprised to discover these pictures instead of the rollicking paddle boats.

The picture can be found at the Pub next to the pay phone.

Clare drowned herself by getting in a large sack of potatoes and three feral cats and hopped into the fast moving river. The old Irish Lady said Clare's actions inspired two young siblings who witnessed the event, to create a game that we now know as the sack race.

Clare's family was heart broken and began to drink away their sorrows. One day it occurred to the family they should make a business out of their loss and opened the Country Clare Pub and Inn in memory of their daughter. Unfortunately Clare returns to her name sake every 38 years on the full moon and picks a young child to drown in a bathtub in room 404. Investigators say she doesn't want to do it, but is compelled to repeat her tragic mistakes. Unpleasant people say Clare's still mad even after death.

The old Irish Woman ended the story by giving this warning, "if you have any young ones or are young at heart. Don't go bathing on a full moon, as Clare might find you. Tis better to stink, and live another day."

You’ve been warned...

Monday, October 15, 2007

Happy Blog Action Day!

Today is the day, loyal readers, that thousands of bloggers unite their voices to discuss a common topic in order to spur a global conversation (yes today, check the date stamp). This year, that common subject is the environment.

We here at Library Conspiracies take the topic of the environment extraordinarily seriously. For this reason, we jumped at the opportunity to become part of the Blog Action Day Movement. When considering the many angles we might take for participating in this revolution, we unanimously decided on exposing the disheartening story of Ostergard, Minnesota.

A small town in southern Minnesota, Ostergard was once considered the sugar beet capital of the world, producing more gross tonnage of sugar beets than Kirghistan, Romania, Turkey, Iceland, Detroit, and Bulgaria combined.
That prestigious capitalship has recently been cruelly and without sympathy stripped away from the small town after a series of devastating droughts.

This unprecedented drought has rendered the city's entire sugar beet crop unpalatable by all save for a small colony of garbage-gut, starving postmodern artists who settled in the city in 2005. Unfortunately, those "broke-ass, hippie-dippy artists" as one town elder refers to the colony's resident's, refuse to pay more than 9 cents per pound for the shriveled Ostergard beets.

This would traditionally be the point in the post where we would digress into an in-depth discussion of global warming, shifting ocean currents, or even agricultural overwatering, but this wouldn't be Library Conspiracies if Ostergard's water shortage were a simple case of climate change or irresponsible squandering. Instead, Ostergard's farms have become victims of groundwater-siphoning Vaettirs.

Vaettirs (pictured right) are a Norse breed of pint-sized otherfolk who make their homes and reside underground. Natives of Norway, the Vaettirs settled in Ostergard in 1952 when they stowed away in a Minnesota-bound Jarlsberg cheese crate in search of religious freedom. The Vaettirs quickly built a thriving miniature metropolis beneath the fertile soil of the Ostergard sugar beet farms. For over fifty years, the Vaettirs lived in harmony with farmers, redirecting only enough water away from sugar beet roots to sustain their community and safeguard the plants from overwatering.

Two years ago, however, the death of benevolent King Thor Haralsson IVX left the Vaettir community under the rule of King Sven Olafson, or as his subjects refer to him, Olaf the Terrible. As you would expect with any garden-variety tyrant, Olaf swiftly instituted a set of self-serving social initiatives.

As his first act as King, Olaf ordered the construction of an ostentatious palace which includes a ridiculous number of Greco-Roman baths and pools, the likes of which have not been seen since the time of Nero. Olaf's obsession with enormously extravagant swimming and bathing facilities have led those who don't refer to him as Olaf the Terrible to refer to him as Little Nero.

In addition to the pools and baths, Olaf has also overseen the construction of an intricate fountain system, the likes of which have not been seen since the time of Louis XIV. It is said that the water needed to run the grandiose fountain system is so great that when they are activated, all bodily functions must be suspended because there is not enough water left in the Vaerttir civic water system to even "let the yellow mellow" let alone "flush the brown down." Olaf's obsession with ornate fountain systems have led those who don't refer to him as Olaf the Terrible or Little Nero to refer to him as Lil' Louis.

The water needed to constantly run the self-serving aqua-pleasures of Olaf have become so great that legions of able-bodied Vaettirs have been consigned to labor camps which force workers to constantly wring out the sugar beet roots into large aquifers in order to ensure a constant flow of freshwater to his pools, baths, and fountains. Large, complex aqueducts have also been built which redirect water from irrigation canals, watering basins, ponds, and bathtubs.

As you can imagine, this constant and brazen siphoning of groundwater away from the sugar beet roots has created a devastating drought despite record precipitation. Because of this groundwater drought, farmers are unable to grow anything other than tiny, withered, crusty sugar beets that taste like . . . tiny, withered, crusty sugar beets. Many farmers have already been forced to sell their farms and pursue careers as vikings in Capital One commercials.

The few farmers remaining in Ostergard are pinning their hopes on the results of a coup currently being planned by Olaf's second cousin, Hans the Procrastinator, but he has been talking about starting this coup for the last two years . . . so you can imagine.

All this Librarian can say is . . . sugar beets . . . what the hell are sugar beets?

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Bigfoot in Suburbia

This report hits close to home. I have a near and dear friend (let's call him Jason) that has been attacked by the same vindictive Bigfoot, three separate times. The first time Jason considered it common place. Who hasn't had at least one encounter with a Bigfoot, or as I prefer to call them North American Yeti or NAY. It wasn't until the second incident that Jason got worried and began to take action. He started compiling a file and kept detailed records of each incident.

1. The first happened over night and Jason wasn't even aware that there was a problem until he went out to go to work in the morning, and noticed his back windshield was shattered and ripped open. In the glass and on the back seat he discovered samplings of long brown-red hairs. That had a distinct smell. Jason described the smell as, "my dog Burma after treein' a skunk and then walking home in the rain". This is similar to other eye-witness accounts of the unique smell of a NAY.

Speculators might say that it could have been a dog, but the anchor to the story is the fact that Jason's box of Slim Jims that he kept under his driver seat for the long hauls was gone. "No durn dog is goin take my Slim Jims and not leave a mess of paper and wrappers behind".

2. The second encounter was weird and proves the vindictive nature of this particular NAY. While driving home from work one night about four months after the first event. Jason was enjoying a car heated McMuffin he had forgotten about on his drive to work in the morning. When, "Shaish! The glass shatters again in the back seat winder." A fellow co-worker (we'll call her) Julie saw the whole thing and reported that she thought "a depressed bird had flown into and then shattered the window". The truth was far far darker. Julie and Jason pulled over to inspect his window and discovered a crude mud pie that had been baked by the sun as the cause of the window shattering. Before any of you might say "damn kids" the finger prints found on the mud pie were three times the size of Jason and twice the size of Julie's. After inspecting the damage and using Julie's emergency car phone to call AAA Jason went back to his car to wait and discovered the mud pie and his McMuffin were gone. "It was at that moment that I knew that damn Yeti knew where I worked and lived, and by Gilligan he was after my food."

NAY are not that far off the evolutionary ladder from say the bear or racoon, and we have all seen Grizzly Man and know what happens when someone feeds a wild animal.

I'm not saying that Jason was the cause but he has become the undeserved victim in this deadly ballet.

3. The final incident that brings us to the current time was a month ago. Jason was watching his nightly Perry Mason when he heard a loud, "CraYptch!" and without thinking of his own safety Jason grabbed his 1942 Packard Clipper hubcap that he always has on hand for protection and headed for his car. He saw it for the first time walking down the charming street with overhanging tree branches sucking on one of his pickled pig's feet. Without thinking Jason threw his hubcap frisbee style at the NAY hitting it in the flabby left love handle causing it to drop the jar of pig’s feet and run.

Jason took a photo of the last break in for proof and naysayer’s. It is clear to anyone that the hole in the back of his windshield looks just like a giant foot has crushed the window. and the scale of the picture shows the foot to be almost half the size of the whole window. Truly amazing proof.

Now as a librarian, I know this all sounds hard to believe even from our 47 loyal reader's but I swear on my degree Jason, has had and might continue to have encounters with a NAY that appears to steal the food from his car. After hearing the story, I had to ask Jason, what he's learned from the series of events. He had this to say, "Well I have to say I knew something was goin on be it heat expansion, warped glass, but I never thought I would be the target of on going Yeti attacks. I must say after I caught him red handed with my pig's feet I don't leave no more food in my car I either eat it or take it with me when I get out".

I hope you've all been educated about this serious problem we face as a society. As we continue to encroach on our few remaining wild places we will be the ones who will suffer for it. Be it a mountain lion that attacks and kills a morning runner or yeti that break into your car for random scraps of food. You can't feed wild animals without eventually getting bitten.

You've been warned...