Thursday, September 27, 2007

Bigfoot in Suburbia

This report hits close to home. I have a near and dear friend (let's call him Jason) that has been attacked by the same vindictive Bigfoot, three separate times. The first time Jason considered it common place. Who hasn't had at least one encounter with a Bigfoot, or as I prefer to call them North American Yeti or NAY. It wasn't until the second incident that Jason got worried and began to take action. He started compiling a file and kept detailed records of each incident.

1. The first happened over night and Jason wasn't even aware that there was a problem until he went out to go to work in the morning, and noticed his back windshield was shattered and ripped open. In the glass and on the back seat he discovered samplings of long brown-red hairs. That had a distinct smell. Jason described the smell as, "my dog Burma after treein' a skunk and then walking home in the rain". This is similar to other eye-witness accounts of the unique smell of a NAY.

Speculators might say that it could have been a dog, but the anchor to the story is the fact that Jason's box of Slim Jims that he kept under his driver seat for the long hauls was gone. "No durn dog is goin take my Slim Jims and not leave a mess of paper and wrappers behind".

2. The second encounter was weird and proves the vindictive nature of this particular NAY. While driving home from work one night about four months after the first event. Jason was enjoying a car heated McMuffin he had forgotten about on his drive to work in the morning. When, "Shaish! The glass shatters again in the back seat winder." A fellow co-worker (we'll call her) Julie saw the whole thing and reported that she thought "a depressed bird had flown into and then shattered the window". The truth was far far darker. Julie and Jason pulled over to inspect his window and discovered a crude mud pie that had been baked by the sun as the cause of the window shattering. Before any of you might say "damn kids" the finger prints found on the mud pie were three times the size of Jason and twice the size of Julie's. After inspecting the damage and using Julie's emergency car phone to call AAA Jason went back to his car to wait and discovered the mud pie and his McMuffin were gone. "It was at that moment that I knew that damn Yeti knew where I worked and lived, and by Gilligan he was after my food."

NAY are not that far off the evolutionary ladder from say the bear or racoon, and we have all seen Grizzly Man and know what happens when someone feeds a wild animal.

I'm not saying that Jason was the cause but he has become the undeserved victim in this deadly ballet.

3. The final incident that brings us to the current time was a month ago. Jason was watching his nightly Perry Mason when he heard a loud, "CraYptch!" and without thinking of his own safety Jason grabbed his 1942 Packard Clipper hubcap that he always has on hand for protection and headed for his car. He saw it for the first time walking down the charming street with overhanging tree branches sucking on one of his pickled pig's feet. Without thinking Jason threw his hubcap frisbee style at the NAY hitting it in the flabby left love handle causing it to drop the jar of pig’s feet and run.

Jason took a photo of the last break in for proof and naysayer’s. It is clear to anyone that the hole in the back of his windshield looks just like a giant foot has crushed the window. and the scale of the picture shows the foot to be almost half the size of the whole window. Truly amazing proof.

Now as a librarian, I know this all sounds hard to believe even from our 47 loyal reader's but I swear on my degree Jason, has had and might continue to have encounters with a NAY that appears to steal the food from his car. After hearing the story, I had to ask Jason, what he's learned from the series of events. He had this to say, "Well I have to say I knew something was goin on be it heat expansion, warped glass, but I never thought I would be the target of on going Yeti attacks. I must say after I caught him red handed with my pig's feet I don't leave no more food in my car I either eat it or take it with me when I get out".

I hope you've all been educated about this serious problem we face as a society. As we continue to encroach on our few remaining wild places we will be the ones who will suffer for it. Be it a mountain lion that attacks and kills a morning runner or yeti that break into your car for random scraps of food. You can't feed wild animals without eventually getting bitten.

You've been warned...

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