Sunday, September 09, 2007

Instaneous Lap Pet Combustion

It is a serious problem that not many people are aware of. ILPC as most specialists call it is a rare phenomenon that occurs due to over zealous petting of a lap pet. The friction builds up between the person's hand and pet's fur which can become more unstable than nitroglycerin. All it takes is a small spark of electricity and BOOM your cat or dog goes up in flames.

There are two people that were willing to tell me their stories for this post.

The first story's photo is the above photograph. Q (as she wanted to be known as) had her twin sister take the photo of her prize winning poodle Fee-Fee. It was taken just after winning the Glendive, MT grand champion showing for the third year in a row and as Q says "Putting that Bitch Gigi, in her place!" Q was giving Fee-Fee her celebratory pat down when her twin shuffled over in nothing but her socks and tried to give Fee-Fee a pat on the head. "Next thing you know, Fee-Fee's on fire! and still the show dog, calm as can be and waiting the judge's inspection of her rear end. Naturally I had to get a picture of this for the family Christmas card before putting out the flames." I had asked Q what she did for Fee-Fee's burns and she replied, "Honey all you have to do is let the animal lick its wounds with a bit of Tabasco sauce on it. They'll stop sure as a bum on a quarter." After that I felt it was time to leave Anson, ME

This next story is a bit disturbing as it results in an entire room catching fire. Shirley is a bit zany. Shirley lost most of her mental faculties and so she spends most of her time sitting in front of a blank wall screaming at dancing leprechauns and explicit elves. This type of activity is a damaging environment for ILPC. It tends to increase the chances of an outbreak and for Shirley's case caused her staring wall to burn down. Shirley's lap cat is named Dog after her last pet that died of unknown causes. From what Shirley’s home nurse explained to me Dog had learned over the years not to upset Shirley or try to get off of her lap without permission. "Poor old Dog just sat there on fire and let Shirley continue to pet it. At one point it looked like Shirley would smoother the flame but then she'd go to scratchn' the cat and send sparks everywhere that's how the room caught fire." The fire department would release a statement saying, "The unnatural collection of dried onion skins, newspapers and the odd assortment of open aired cans of bacon fat was disaster waiting to happen." I asked Shirley’s home nurse why she didn’t do anything but she explained she doesn’t get paid to put out fires and she all pointed out that it was her that took the photo. To this day Shirley still believes it was the elves that started the fire.

The last picture doesn't have a story other than being the reason I started this investigation. I have a hobby of exploring condemned homes that have burnt down for unusual trinkets that have been misshape by fire. While on one of my outings I discovered a clear spot in the center of what looked to be the family room where I discovered this grizzly scene which made my heart yearn to discover how something like this could happen. What I found was what appears to be a group of four to five small kittens or what remains of the kittens and I can only guess that the mixture of their cuteness, carpet and socked children gave birth to my first case of ILPC.

For the sake of the animals please educate your grandparents and family members that are a bit crazy when it comes to their pets.

You've been warned...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Keep this on the down-low but gossip out of hollywood indicates that a celeb we will call Paris H. to protect her identity recently expirienced ILPC with her pet chihuahua. Ms. Hilton was stroking her minature rat/dog when it burt into flames, unfortunately Paris H. didnt realize the gravity of the situation because a burning sensation between her legs is not an uncommon occurance for the young heiress.