Monday, August 27, 2007

Grandma's Gold Diggin Coroner

This report is both disturbing and dark. You've been warned. I found out through a close employee who's lost three of her four grandparents in the last six months. During one of the cremations, she discovered her Grandmother's gold grill was missing in the ash. This caused the family to approach the funeral home and coroner. The Coroner, Mr. Plymann, said it was standard protocol to pull the gold fillings from people that are prepared for cremation. My fellow employee, who I will refer to as E-Q, was suspicious of the Funeral Home, which was rather lavish in its decor, ordered the exhumation her other two grandparents bodies to check their gold fillings.

She discovered they both had their gold fillings pulled from their mouths. E-Q was shocked and when she went to Aurum Funeral home to speak to Mr. Plymann he was absent, but she did explore the lower levels of the building and came across two things, one was the picture in which you can clearly see a large grouping of different gold teeth that have already been pulled from cadavers,
and the second picture was a male cadaver's mouth open and ready for pulling.
The last thing she discovered was a home schooling packet called, "So You Want to Rob the Dead: A How-to Guide." It even came with a fake set of teeth Mr. Plymann could practice on.

After E-Q went to the police and reported what she discovered, she went to speak to her lawyer. She expected a quick response, but instead the funeral home closed and Mr. Plymann disappeared. E-Q has tried to get in contact with her case officer and lawyer and neither has returned her calls. Out of desperation she turned to me and my deep rooted desire to spread truth.

Before you take your loved ones to their final rest, make sure their teeth go with them. Demand that the coroner not sew their mouths closed.

You've been warned...

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Genetically Engineered Chihuahuas Uncovered in Nome, Alaska

An insanely ferocious desire for an Iditarod victory has driven one man to genetically engineer giant chihuahuas on his ice farm in Nome, Alaska.

Wishing only to be identified as "Steve," for fear of being blacklisted in the dog sledding world, the perennial loser of the 1,151 mile dog sled race into the interior of Alaska began experimenting with chihuahua breeding after being bitten by his neighbor's yappy little chihuahua, Miguel.

"I looked down at my ankle, shaking it, the rat-looking dog gnarling up at me. He was locked down on my ankle like it was a ham bone," recalls Steve. "I swear he thought he was a rottweiler the way he was eying me. That's when I realized these ferocious little dogs just might have the gumption it takes to win the Iditarod. Anyone who owns a chihuahua will tell you that these little guys have a major Napoleon Complex and just love sticking it to other dogs. I just knew in my gut that this little dog biting into my achilles tendon was revealing the path to Iditarod victory."

It took several failed attempts at assembling an effective chihuahua team before Steve came to the conclusion that unnaturally large chihuahuas were needed.

"I lost seventeen good chihuahuas before I realized that their tiny little bodies with their chicken bone legs just weren't cut out for pulling a 300 lb. dog sled in arctic temperatures. That's when I realized I was going to have to build a better chihuahua."

Steve's first foray into genetic engineering was breeding a saint bernard with a chihuahua. He hoped to retain the hearty constitution and size of the saint bernard and the tenacity and speed of the chihuahua. The result (pictured left) was a "saint chirnard" named Berny. Unfortunately Berny proved to be night blind as a result of his incandescent eyes and unable to run more than 3 yards at a time because his heart and lungs were both the size of walnuts. Sadly Berny died only a few months after his birth when Steve discovered, too late, that Berny was deathly allergic to snow and ice.

It was only after Berny's untimely death that Steve stumbled onto his genetic recipe for success. Using a sophisticated lab set and DNA sequencer he found on craigslist, and a quick Google of "genetic engineering," Steve began manipulating the genes of chihuahua embryos to create 150 lb. dogs that would be impervious to frigid arctic temperatures and be able to run with gazelle-like speed. In order to ensure the puppies would grow not just large, but muscular, he also started each newborn puppy on a cycle of anabolic steroids, growth hormones, and good old fashioned wheat germ. Each puppy is also only allowed to consume high calorie protein shakes.

"The results of the genetic engineering have been great," brags Steve. "I have managed to create the perfect Iditarod dog. These tenacious giant chihuahuas can run like the wind while pulling a dog sled. The cold temperatures don't bother them a bit and best of all, they have absolutely no shame when it comes to nipping at the ankles of their competitors. I think we really have a shot this year . . . plus the roid rage really gives them a competitive edge."

Although Steve's team of dog sledding chihuahuas remain untested in the rigors of the Iditarod, he remains confident his string of losses will end in 2008.

All this Librarian can say about giant chihuahuas is . . . if you can't fit it in a cute handbag, then I just don't want anything to do with it.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Berny and the 17 chihuahuas who lost their lives during Steve's journey to Iditarod glory: Pepe, Angelo, Bruno, Taco, Chiquita, Stuart, Carlito, Maxwell, Tony Montano, Capone, Sleepy, Dopey, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Grumpy, and Doc (admittedly, Steve got a little lazy with the names toward the end.)

--Katerine O'Brien-Smith

Friday, August 17, 2007

Mattel Toy Recall: Ritual Suicide and Communist Bugging

The world was alerted to the massive Mattel toy recall earlier this week. The massive recall cost the company $30 million dollars, which the mainstream news likes to use as the reason Cheung Shu-hung, hung himself in his warehouse. The truth is far more alarming.

Cheung Shu-hung actually discovered the conspiracy of the Chinese Government’s plot to plant bugs, in the popular American toys in hopes of learning the secrets of their greatest competitors. Shu-hung, discovered that what the news is reporting as magnets were actually bugs, and the reason the Chinese Government painted the toys with lead paint was to protect the bugs from being discovered by X-ray machines and the American Oppressor - Superman.

What the Chinese Government didn’t plan for was the in-born desire of every American child to destroy and eat their toys. It’s a well studied fact that American children have a bad jones for eating their toys as well as stick uneatable objects into their mouths.

It was only after Shu-hung’s own adopted American daughter, pried her “Polly Pocket” apart and attempted to shove the toy in her mouth that Shu-hung stopped her and discovered the bug.

He felt it his duty to report his findings by sending out a massive spam email encoded with his discovery which might be the reason why no one has as yet to report the truth. He committed ritual suicide after the manner of his Chinese providence by hanging himself at his place of work for failing to catch the treachery of his government sooner.

We dedicate this post to his family.

You’ve been warned…

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Lake Monster Captured on Film in Bear Lake, Utah

A peaceful August afternoon in Bear Lake, Utah was thrown into panicked chaos as the cool, clear waters suddenly revealed the serpentine body of the mythical Bear Lake Monster. Terrified onlookers watched as the large monster gracefully swam 217 yards before submerging and disappearing back into the lake's legendary blue depths.

The Bear Lake Monster has a long history dating back the the 1800's, when it was first documented by Native American tribes in the region. The monster has been described as a "water dragon," "aquatic dinosaur," and even a "giant beaver," but on this afternoon, the monster revealed itself as an enormous snake-like beast capable of swimming at high speeds.

On the afternoon of August 12, 2007, the monster was first sighted by a man known only as "Uncle Marty." Pictured left, Uncle Marty first spotted the monster while shotgunning his third Keystone Light.

"As I bit down on the bottom of the can, you know . . . for the shotgun, I saw this giant snake just poke up out of the water. Well I threw down my brewskie, right into the sand and ran to the water."

Witnesses recall Uncle Marty running to the lake's edge, trampling a day-long sandcastle endeavor in the process.

"He just stood there, pointing and screaming like a little girl, a high-pitched, almost soprano scream" recalls an unnamed family member. "We all just thought he was just . . . you know . . . plastered, but there it was out in the water, the biggest snake I had ever seen so I grabbed my camera from my brother who was using it to take pictures of his butt and snapped a few pictures of the monster. We all just couldn't believe what we were seeing."

Although no other witnesses reported seeing the Bear Lake Monster that afternoon, the family of Uncle Marty vehemently maintain they all saw the beast. Although it should be noted that gallons of jungle juice were reportedly consumed by Uncle Marty and his family that afternoon.

When questioned, one nephew (too young to consumer alcohol) was quoted as saying "All I remember is seeing Uncle Marty peeing on the sandcastle I spent all day building . . . what a jerk-face!"

All this Librarian can say is . . . water dragon, aquatic dinosaur, giant beaver, drunken hallucination, or blatant crappy Photoshop edit, the myth of the Bear Lake Monster lives on.

Pass the jungle juice!

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

La Surge of Power

While looking for the best way to weave a Navaho corn basket for a patron, I stumbled upon an interesting file in our special collections vault. Evidence that the French Government is in league with Aliens.

It all starts with the power surge. Every power surge is actually interferences from UFOs either entering or exiting our atmosphere.

To understand why the French Government would be in alliance with Aliens is a more complex story to tell:

It all begins with James Prescott Joule, you see it is Joule, who with his new theories destroyed the reputation of one of Frances most brilliant minds; Antoine Lavoisier. Joule disproved his caloric theory. The French were shamed and we all know how snotty the French can be.

Earlier this year we found out that the French Government has had a large file on UFO sightings that until recently they’ve held secret. They got wind of the leaked information that I came across and they thought by releasing a small percentage of the information I would let up, but this Librarian knows the truth. Not only does the French Government have a file on UFOs but they have made certain agreements with the Aliens that when they launch their first wave France will be spared from once again being the invading armies’ biatch.

Who could blame them, since Napoleon they haven’t seen any real military success. Why wouldn’t they try and suck up to the next Alien-Hitler. No we shouldn’t blame the French cowards all they know is pastries, throaty laughs and pompous dance steps. But now that the secrets out what can they do? Will they stand by and allow the rest of mankind to be enslaved?

Will they continue to try and lead us to believe that power surges are voltage spikes and not in fact the result of an alien technology entering and exiting our planet?

You’ve been warned…

Friday, August 10, 2007

Evolution Takes A Leap Forward in La Verkin, Utah

Evolution took one giant leap forward in the small town of La Verkin, Utah with the birth of little Edna Mae Sofaman.

Edna (pictured left) was born on August 17, 2007 with a fully developed set of adult teeth.

Edna's dentist, Dr. Harry Roper had this to say, "Well, I'll be darned if that little bugger wasn't born with a full set of adult chompers. We did a whole battery of x-rays and there's not a baby tooth to be found; it's like she just skipped right over em'!"

There were early signs of Edna's unique . . . "evolutionary advancement." Thirty two weeks into her pregnancy, Edna's mother, Vera Sofaman, began complaining of painful gnawing sensations in her stomach. A quick ultrasound revealed that little Edna had been busy attempting to chew her way out of the womb.

"I couldn't believe what I was seeing during the ultrasound" commented Vera's OB/GYN, Dr. Sanford, "there was little Edna, just chewing away at the uterus like she didn't have a care in the world."

"That's our little Edna." comments Vera Sofaman with a chuckle, "She's quite the little eater. She just loves to eat . . . especially corn on the cob. She just loves to put them big teeth to good use!"

Although no conclusive cause of Edna's advanced state of dental development has been uncovered, the Sofaman Family Worm Farm is rumored to be situated on a cache of nuclear waste that is the legacy of Cold War nuclear development in the region.

Vinnie Sofaman, Edna's father, tries to keep a positive outlook on the whole situation, "Radioactive or not, she's my little princess, and I love her, big ol' rabbit teeth and all."

When asked to comment on Edna Sofaman's condition, The United States Nuclear Regulatory Commission would only be quoted as saying, "We don't think of Edna's teeth as a freakish byproduct of sloppy nuclear regulation, but one great leap forward in evolution for all mankind."

All this Librarian can say is, if you ever find yourself in La Verkin Utah, stop by the Sofaman Family Worm Farm and maybe have some corn on the cob with little Edna, but pass when they offer you a glass of cool, crisp well water because after all, it's a thin line between evolution and just plain freaky.

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

The Truth about Bob Avakian

Supposedly Bob Avakian’s location has been unknown and held as a deep guarded secret from the U.S. Government. Due to his reported dangerous revolutionary ideals in regards to Communism and his economic support of the Black Panthers. After a vicious march in Washington D.C., he reportedly harmed several policemen, which forced him into self imposed exile to France in 1981.

This Librarian has been able to uncover the truth! Bob Avakian was truly in deep cover for the United States Government. His real name is actually Herald Varian, a well mannered and quiet Shaker from New Lebanon, N.Y with a deep abiding patriotism for his country.

While attending the University of California, Berkeley, Bob discovered an underground movement led by Mario Savio. Savio’s end goal was to spread the red flu across America. Bob offered his services to the US Government in hopes of finding a way to undermine the movement.

Actually, Bob’s supposed altercation with the Washington D.C. police in 1981 was a false report. This was made up to help put “Bob” in the position of assistant to the real ring leader, Albin O. Kuhn. Kuhn was using his power as the Executive Vice President of the University System of Maryland to sub-plant his master plan; to elect a communist president who would destroy the American Government as we know it; all to make his childhood stamp collection more valuable.

“Bob Avakian” used his newly formed position to stop Kuhn, but at great risk to himself and his family. Albin O. Kuhn was never brought to justice due to “Bob’s” unorthodox methods and is still at large to this day plotting his next move. Bob was put into the witness relocation program shortly after the court case was dropped.

You have been warned…

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Laser Pointers Linked to IQ and Grade Decline at Upstate New York University

Last winter, several undergraduate students enrolled in The Avenue University in Upstate New York reported rapid and unexplained declines in grade point averages and general IQ. Prompted by the influx of such claims, the university ordered an investigation into the alleged brain drain. The university quickly discovered a startling link between the use of laser pointers during lectures and the degenerating intelligence of its student population.

All students reporting intelligence loss were enrolled in courses taught by either Dr. Theodore Tarquin, a professor of Anthropology, or Dr. Ana Benoit, a professor of Medieval Literature. Both professors are well-known for their heavy reliance on the use of laser pointers to draw attention to areas of their rudimentary and poorly crafted PowerPoint presentations.

As 'Student X' (pictured left), a student enrolled in Bonsai Cultivation 210 (a niche interest area of Dr. Tarquin's) reported, "Day after day, it was those damn PowerPoint presentations. You'd think what with it being a bonsai class we would get to prune bonsai, but no . . . just class after class of really crappy PowerPoint presentations full of low resolution pics of people pruning bonsai! Just watching that laser bounce around the projector screen pointing to fuzzy pics, I could feel myself getting more stupider."

More stupider, indeed.

Head of the Theoretical Laser Technology and Integrated Subatomic Particle-Execlematronics Department at The Avenue University, Dr. Hubert Snelligan believes the quantum-mechanical and thermodynamical process of laserization is inhibiting the brain's ability to correctly nueralize thought processes. Dr. Tarquin and Dr. Benoit use laser pointers so often in lieu of any kind of refined lecturing skills that their classrooms have become saturated by rampant laserization byproducts, which are literally making their students more stupider.

"The laserization process that occurs during the use of laser pointers is creating an unstable atomic atmosphere, and loose electrons are clouding the neurological paths within the brain, rendering even the most basic intelligences . . . well . . . defunk," stated Dr. Snelligan.

Fearing that the general public might learn of The Avenue University faculty's unregulated use of PowerPoint presentations and laser pointers as replacements for the acquisition of even the most basic teaching skills, the formal report filed by Dr. Snelligan and the Internal Affairs Investigative Team has since been buried. It is currently stuffed in the decrepit and dank academic library stacks of The Avenue University's Early Euclidean Geometrical and Algebraic Expressions section. Because the truth about the harmful effects of laser pointers has been buried by The Avenue University, as of this post, laser pointers are currently still being used in over 55,000 college classrooms, and interrupting 789 movies annually, leaving hundreds of thousands of American vulnerable to Laserization Dumification.

Dr. Tarquin could not be reached for comment, but Dr. Benoit happily reports that she is currently creating a PowerPoint Presentation on Early English Literature that will include what will be a small laser-highlighted gif animation featuring Sir Gawain decapitating an understandably pissed Grendel. This Librarian didn't want to point out that it is in fact Beowulf who decapitates not Grendel, not Sir Gawain but with all that rampant laserization, can you blame her?

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Wi-Fi at the Library

Wi-Fi became common knowledge in 1997, but I am here to expose the fact that Wi-Fi has been around a lot longer than that. The truth of the matter is Tony Bullimore and Gerry Roufs had been keeping this technology under wraps for a much longer time frame. Why they had this secret agenda is still unknown, but what we do know is how Wi-Fi came to light. In fact it’s because of this that Bullimore and Dubois went missing mysteriously in January 1997 during the Vendée Globe. We have proof that in fact it was the Royal Australian Navy who found out that Mr. Bullimore was responsible for the cover up and attacked his yacht and held him captive for a total of five days until he finally agreed to allow Wi-Fi to the general public. Sadly Roufs didn’t survive the encounter and the R.A.N. was able to make his death appear to be part of an accident during the yacht race.

Now everyone would like you to think that Wi-Fi is a safe form of technology to use and here to make your lives more convenient. The truth of the matter is far darker, while working at an unnamed library which offers free Wi-Fi, I discovered an alarming cover up. You see some people can access Wi-Fi with no troubles at all and visit their cyber sites with ease while other people can’t seem to log on to Wi-Fi and when they do, they navigate slowly and some sites work while others don’t. After some digging I uncovered an alarming fact: The Royal Australian Navy is spying on people of interest for the American Government. You see if a foreign country is spying on American citizens it considered normal, but if the American Government is spying on their own citizens then crimes are committed. It’s a good old fashion you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours so yes the American Government is also listening in on Australia’s citizens while they surf the net using Wi-Fi.

You’ve been warned….