Monday, August 27, 2007

Grandma's Gold Diggin Coroner

This report is both disturbing and dark. You've been warned. I found out through a close employee who's lost three of her four grandparents in the last six months. During one of the cremations, she discovered her Grandmother's gold grill was missing in the ash. This caused the family to approach the funeral home and coroner. The Coroner, Mr. Plymann, said it was standard protocol to pull the gold fillings from people that are prepared for cremation. My fellow employee, who I will refer to as E-Q, was suspicious of the Funeral Home, which was rather lavish in its decor, ordered the exhumation her other two grandparents bodies to check their gold fillings.

She discovered they both had their gold fillings pulled from their mouths. E-Q was shocked and when she went to Aurum Funeral home to speak to Mr. Plymann he was absent, but she did explore the lower levels of the building and came across two things, one was the picture in which you can clearly see a large grouping of different gold teeth that have already been pulled from cadavers,
and the second picture was a male cadaver's mouth open and ready for pulling.
The last thing she discovered was a home schooling packet called, "So You Want to Rob the Dead: A How-to Guide." It even came with a fake set of teeth Mr. Plymann could practice on.

After E-Q went to the police and reported what she discovered, she went to speak to her lawyer. She expected a quick response, but instead the funeral home closed and Mr. Plymann disappeared. E-Q has tried to get in contact with her case officer and lawyer and neither has returned her calls. Out of desperation she turned to me and my deep rooted desire to spread truth.

Before you take your loved ones to their final rest, make sure their teeth go with them. Demand that the coroner not sew their mouths closed.

You've been warned...


Anonymous said...

This is sort of a niche problem that applies to the less than one percent of old people who still have their teeth when they die.

D.Y.D. said...

After E-Q brought this alarming report to my attention I went in to talk to my dentist. We discussed several options to safeguard against cadaver robbers. One was rigging my jaw to collapse on its self at the moment of death (only problem with this one is that I'm a deep sleeper so I could wake up one morning with a collapsed jaw). Another option is for me to have all of my teeth pulled and wear dentures at an early age (My significant other doesn't like this idea). The last and most likely is that I'll go in and have all of my gold fillings replaced with fool's gold so if a coroner tries to take them he'll be in for a nice surprise at the gold exchange.