Sunday, February 10, 2008

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be International Assassins

Sorry dear readers for the long reprise. For this story I have had to travel the reaches of the globe to bring you the truth. It has nearly caused my own death on three different occasions, but I digress.

While checking a "Baby Einstein" video for damages a Patron brought to my attention, I found a disturbing image appear on the screen for only a split second that at first glance it appeared to be only normal static from use, but I saw something else. I took the tape apart on our cleaning wheel and found that there was no damage. I played it again and at the same place on the tracking number the static appeared. I hooked it up to my computer and played it back through a freeware program that allows you to edit video content(The Christian Right Wing is good for a few things). The static that appears is actually a printed image that reads, "A Good Assassin Always Plans 3 Escape routes for any Hit."

I immediately looked at three other tapes that were available. Once again, I found more messages, one that explains how to take apart and clean a sniper rifle, one that explained the best way to cut up and destroy a corpse, and how to contact illegal gun runners in foreign countries. I wanted to check out more but of course they are so popular with the many moms in my community that there weren't anymore available. I researched the company and found out that the movies and video labels are manufactured in two different countries, one the largest communist country in the world, and the other a third world country known for harboring international criminals.

While in China I was unable to actually investigate the video "factory" because I was followed the entire time. My rental car's brakes went out and I nearly drove into a coal mine. I left before the Chinese Secret Police could do anymore damage. In Peru, the DVD cover printing factory was actually a shady terrorist training camp.
It seemed that after spending the morning running through a jungle gym set, running through a maze of old tires, shooting at coconut targets, they spent the second half of the day creating and printing the different types of covers. When I was discovered, I had to run through the jungle and survive off of fist-sized insects. After jumping off a forty-foot-tall waterfall to lose my pursuers, I decided I wasn't cut out for the hands-on investigations.

Upon returning to America, I went to talk to a patron that is constantly checking out the videos for her 4 children all under the age of five. Needless to say she was alarmed to hear and see my evidence of the subliminal training, but after she had calmed down, she admitted that she was relieved to discover that her children’s actions now seemed to make sense. She said, "Little Joe has killed three of the neighbor hood dogs with his jar of tinker toys that he used to build a crossbow." I wanted to ask her more questions, but she left the room to make a spot of tea, and her two twin babies Floyd and Maria tried to kill me by stuffing their cute pudgy fists down my throat and suffocating me. The only thing that saved me was my excellent gag reflex.

I wish there was something I could do to stop the brainwashing of our future, but alas their parent company is the Disney Company and I can't even begin to tell you how worrisome that is. This particular assignment has shown me my mortality and all I can say is it's up to each of you to stop the cycle by not purchasing these videos anymore unless you want to watch the horror your children will reap.

You've been warned...