Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Genetically Engineered Chihuahuas Uncovered in Nome, Alaska

An insanely ferocious desire for an Iditarod victory has driven one man to genetically engineer giant chihuahuas on his ice farm in Nome, Alaska.

Wishing only to be identified as "Steve," for fear of being blacklisted in the dog sledding world, the perennial loser of the 1,151 mile dog sled race into the interior of Alaska began experimenting with chihuahua breeding after being bitten by his neighbor's yappy little chihuahua, Miguel.

"I looked down at my ankle, shaking it, the rat-looking dog gnarling up at me. He was locked down on my ankle like it was a ham bone," recalls Steve. "I swear he thought he was a rottweiler the way he was eying me. That's when I realized these ferocious little dogs just might have the gumption it takes to win the Iditarod. Anyone who owns a chihuahua will tell you that these little guys have a major Napoleon Complex and just love sticking it to other dogs. I just knew in my gut that this little dog biting into my achilles tendon was revealing the path to Iditarod victory."

It took several failed attempts at assembling an effective chihuahua team before Steve came to the conclusion that unnaturally large chihuahuas were needed.

"I lost seventeen good chihuahuas before I realized that their tiny little bodies with their chicken bone legs just weren't cut out for pulling a 300 lb. dog sled in arctic temperatures. That's when I realized I was going to have to build a better chihuahua."

Steve's first foray into genetic engineering was breeding a saint bernard with a chihuahua. He hoped to retain the hearty constitution and size of the saint bernard and the tenacity and speed of the chihuahua. The result (pictured left) was a "saint chirnard" named Berny. Unfortunately Berny proved to be night blind as a result of his incandescent eyes and unable to run more than 3 yards at a time because his heart and lungs were both the size of walnuts. Sadly Berny died only a few months after his birth when Steve discovered, too late, that Berny was deathly allergic to snow and ice.

It was only after Berny's untimely death that Steve stumbled onto his genetic recipe for success. Using a sophisticated lab set and DNA sequencer he found on craigslist, and a quick Google of "genetic engineering," Steve began manipulating the genes of chihuahua embryos to create 150 lb. dogs that would be impervious to frigid arctic temperatures and be able to run with gazelle-like speed. In order to ensure the puppies would grow not just large, but muscular, he also started each newborn puppy on a cycle of anabolic steroids, growth hormones, and good old fashioned wheat germ. Each puppy is also only allowed to consume high calorie protein shakes.

"The results of the genetic engineering have been great," brags Steve. "I have managed to create the perfect Iditarod dog. These tenacious giant chihuahuas can run like the wind while pulling a dog sled. The cold temperatures don't bother them a bit and best of all, they have absolutely no shame when it comes to nipping at the ankles of their competitors. I think we really have a shot this year . . . plus the roid rage really gives them a competitive edge."

Although Steve's team of dog sledding chihuahuas remain untested in the rigors of the Iditarod, he remains confident his string of losses will end in 2008.

All this Librarian can say about giant chihuahuas is . . . if you can't fit it in a cute handbag, then I just don't want anything to do with it.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Berny and the 17 chihuahuas who lost their lives during Steve's journey to Iditarod glory: Pepe, Angelo, Bruno, Taco, Chiquita, Stuart, Carlito, Maxwell, Tony Montano, Capone, Sleepy, Dopey, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Grumpy, and Doc (admittedly, Steve got a little lazy with the names toward the end.)

--Katerine O'Brien-Smith


Sled Dog Action Coalition said...

The Iditarod is terribly cruel to dogs. For the facts, visit the Sled Dog Action Coalition website, http://www.helpsleddogs.org.

Katherine O'Brien-Smith said...

Dear Sled Dog Action Coalition,

The good news is that with the current rate of global warming, soon the Iditarod will be reduced to a mere 3 yards of ice and snow, and good dogs like Berny will have a fighting chance.

Anonymous said...

Sled Dogs and their masters live harmoniously through out the year and both are enbiggened by the expirience of the iditarod.


D.Y.D. said...

I second anonymous! I appreciate that anonymous used such a great word like, 'enbiggened' and frankly I would expect further commentators to use great words. Thanks to anonymous the bar has now been raised.

Anonymous said...

This article is just a poorly photoshopped bored person's creation. All dogs are basically the same only just different sizes.

Razar said...

What did i just read?
Also, why did I just read it???