Thursday, August 02, 2007

Laser Pointers Linked to IQ and Grade Decline at Upstate New York University

Last winter, several undergraduate students enrolled in The Avenue University in Upstate New York reported rapid and unexplained declines in grade point averages and general IQ. Prompted by the influx of such claims, the university ordered an investigation into the alleged brain drain. The university quickly discovered a startling link between the use of laser pointers during lectures and the degenerating intelligence of its student population.

All students reporting intelligence loss were enrolled in courses taught by either Dr. Theodore Tarquin, a professor of Anthropology, or Dr. Ana Benoit, a professor of Medieval Literature. Both professors are well-known for their heavy reliance on the use of laser pointers to draw attention to areas of their rudimentary and poorly crafted PowerPoint presentations.

As 'Student X' (pictured left), a student enrolled in Bonsai Cultivation 210 (a niche interest area of Dr. Tarquin's) reported, "Day after day, it was those damn PowerPoint presentations. You'd think what with it being a bonsai class we would get to prune bonsai, but no . . . just class after class of really crappy PowerPoint presentations full of low resolution pics of people pruning bonsai! Just watching that laser bounce around the projector screen pointing to fuzzy pics, I could feel myself getting more stupider."

More stupider, indeed.

Head of the Theoretical Laser Technology and Integrated Subatomic Particle-Execlematronics Department at The Avenue University, Dr. Hubert Snelligan believes the quantum-mechanical and thermodynamical process of laserization is inhibiting the brain's ability to correctly nueralize thought processes. Dr. Tarquin and Dr. Benoit use laser pointers so often in lieu of any kind of refined lecturing skills that their classrooms have become saturated by rampant laserization byproducts, which are literally making their students more stupider.

"The laserization process that occurs during the use of laser pointers is creating an unstable atomic atmosphere, and loose electrons are clouding the neurological paths within the brain, rendering even the most basic intelligences . . . well . . . defunk," stated Dr. Snelligan.

Fearing that the general public might learn of The Avenue University faculty's unregulated use of PowerPoint presentations and laser pointers as replacements for the acquisition of even the most basic teaching skills, the formal report filed by Dr. Snelligan and the Internal Affairs Investigative Team has since been buried. It is currently stuffed in the decrepit and dank academic library stacks of The Avenue University's Early Euclidean Geometrical and Algebraic Expressions section. Because the truth about the harmful effects of laser pointers has been buried by The Avenue University, as of this post, laser pointers are currently still being used in over 55,000 college classrooms, and interrupting 789 movies annually, leaving hundreds of thousands of American vulnerable to Laserization Dumification.

Dr. Tarquin could not be reached for comment, but Dr. Benoit happily reports that she is currently creating a PowerPoint Presentation on Early English Literature that will include what will be a small laser-highlighted gif animation featuring Sir Gawain decapitating an understandably pissed Grendel. This Librarian didn't want to point out that it is in fact Beowulf who decapitates not Grendel, not Sir Gawain but with all that rampant laserization, can you blame her?

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

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