Holiday Exclusive: Chistmas Morning Brings Unexpected Disapointment

Early Christmas morning, tens of thousands of spoiled brats awoke to find empty stockings hanging from their Italian marble mantles. The absence of truckloads of ridiculously extravagant gifts under some of the poshest trees in the country, Library Conspiracies has learned, was the handiwork of one elf on a mission, Mr. Snooky Bing-A-Ling.

Pictured right, Mr. Bing-A-Ling chose Christmas 2007 to finally rebel against what he sees as the "socioeconomic paradigm that maintains and encourages a monetary-based gift distribution schema that ensures some kids get everything and others get the shaft."

"I was just sick of it all, you know," explains Bing-A-Ling "Every year it was the same story. Nintendo Wii's and iPods were delivered to the Hamptons and tube socks and paddle balls to the Bronx. I just couldn't take one more year of all those overindulged monsters getting everything they want and nothing they deserve, while really good, really poor kids get balsa gliders."

Snooky's plan was a simple one: hide in Santa's sleigh and secretly toss high-end gifts overboard as they flew over the Bronx, East L.A., and 8 Mile. "Of course I couldn't be sure that kids would get the falling gifts, but I figured it was better for them to end up in Rico's Pawn Shop and Paycheck Loan Emporium then under the tree of some commodities trader."

At 11:47 pm pacific time, Snooty put his plan into action as he threw out his first Playstation 3 as the sleigh passed over the El Rico projects of Oakland.

Library Conspiracies has obtained exclusive photographic documentation of Snooty's plan in action. Taken at 12:07 eastern time, the picture to the left was taken by armature stargazer, Nelson Crockett. A close examination of the photo reveals a laptop, iPod, Playstation 3, Wii, and plasma tv falling to the streets of the Bronx.

All was not lost to the rotten no-goodnicks of the upper class, however, as Santa was forced to leave toys from his emergency stash of penny whistles, marbles, and kaleidoscopes. Unfortunately, as one North Pole elf explained, "that stuff is total, crap! We don't even make that garbage here. It is cheaper just to buy it online from Chang's Chinese Exports."

Needless to say, Christmas morning in Manhattan, Malibu, and Scottsdale reverberated with the sounds of gnashing teeth, temper tantrums, and crushed kaleidoscopes.

One young Manhattanite summed up the mood of the morning when she opened her first gift and huffed "A jump rope . . . what the hell is this? Am I in Tijuana?!"

As of the date of this post, Santa could not be reached for comment.

All this Librarian can say is . . . so that's where my Playstation 3 went!

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Cloverfield

I think this is fitting for the site as it deals with the unexplained.


This is part of a new viral campaign/contest. The more people that view this the better chance I have at winning a private screening. Thanks for the help.

You've been warned...

Alien Technology or Magic?

Chris Angel and David Blaine are not your normal magicians.

Today while working at the library I listened in on a conversation between an old man (researching online on how to buy a used plane, so that he could stay in motion above the earth at all times to avoid being controlled by the government. Think WaterWorld but in the air. AirWorld.) and a young women as they had a common interest, exposing magicians for the frauds that they are. The older man’s focus is on Chris Angel. The young women’s focus is David Blaine. They have both found proof that the two magicians are not actually magical but are rather using alien technology to perform their “magical” feats.

I found with a little lo-fi technology you can uncover the truth. What you will need is an old VCR. Record either one as they perform their magic on TV under the SP option, so that the VCR records more frames per second. You can then watch the taped trick under slow speed and see for yourself the uncanny alien science behind the magic.

If you are lucky enough to record Chris Angel’s levitation when you watch it back in slow motion you will see a green blur that last for only a few seconds before he levitates. This is the alien technology or science. Chris has learned to use this to lighten his body mass to that of a feather. He can hover for a few seconds before coming down to the ground. The green blur or gas is the body weight burn off.

When you watch David Blaine in his water bubble trick in the slowed down recording you can see a disturbance on either side of his neck. This is the alien science at work allowing David Blaine, to absorb oxygen from the water through his neck and into his lungs.

I do not know how they have learned the alien technology to complete these tricks but you have to wonder did they steal them or were they given to them? These are the real questions and the true conspiracy, but as of yet I do not know the answers. To be on the safe side of the invasion I wouldn't align myself to either man.

You've been warned...

The Conspiracy Continues . . . Well . . . Sort of

X-Philes around the world rejoiced as Twentieth Century Fox finally green-lighted a second big screen adventure for Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully (well, technically, former Special Agents). This announcement comes after years of false starts and misinformation about the, until now, mythical sequel.

Although the nearly decade-long X-Files television series was built around a central conspiracy storyline of shadow government deception, the untitled X-Files sequel will be a stand alone supernatural thriller. The upcoming movie promises to recapture the creepy, dark atmosphere of the scary stand alone episodes that made the series a hit.

Unfortunately the film will not tie up the slew of loose ends related to the complex conspiracy mythology left dangling after the series finale, nonetheless the return of Mulder and Scully surely marks a day of celebration for any self-respecting conspiracy buff . . . who also . . . um . . . really likes the X-files.

The tentative release date is set for July 25th of 2008. To keep posted on new developments, keep and eye on the Untitled X-Files Sequel on Internet Movie Database.

All this Librarian can say is . . . finally!

-- Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Ghost Investigators Society Interview

I am really honored to be able to share this interview with you. It is with Barbra a member and co-founder of the Ghost Investigators Society. Their headquarters are in Utah, but they travel the western United States investigating ghosts and hauntings. If you would like to contact the G.I.S. their web address is http://www.ghostpix.com/

Enjoy the interview

Ghost Investigator Interview

1. How did you end up becoming an expert, or "go to guy" on ghosts?

I was brought up in an active house. My grandparents, who helped raise me, also practiced spiritualism, which was probably a large cause of the activity. As a child, I thought everyone had at least one ghost that shared their homes. It wasn’t until I started school that I learned otherwise.
I do not consider anyone an expert in this, as there are too many unknowns about the phenomena. In fact, I am very leery about anyone who claims to be an “expert” in this field. We have our experiences and our theories, but nothing else.

2. Do you believe in ghosts? And if so, what's your theory behind the "science" of how they work?

Yes I do believe in them. I believe that there are laws that govern the paranormal world, but we do not know how those laws work at this time. Ghost activity defies our logic and they seem to be able to do the impossible, such as solid objects appearing out of thin air, moving solid objects by unseen forces. I probably will not live to see science have answers to it, but I hope our research helps put the puzzle pieces together.

3. Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yes, and I feel very fortunate, as there are researchers that have never had that experience. It was very exciting, once I realized what I had witnessed.

4. What surprised you the most, if anything, while doing your ghost research in Utah? Any particularly unusual stories or older stories debunked?

There are too many stories to have in this forum, but Utah has a wonderful history and many colorful characters that have allowed us to record their voices. Their personalities clearly come through their voices. I loved the ghost we encountered at the Ft. Douglas museum.

5. Can you share with me a couple of the more evil spirits that still haunt UT?

Sorry. I do not consider ghosts as evil spirits. Ghost have the same personality in death as they did in life. And Utah has an ample supply of wonderful ghosts.

6. Can you share with me a couple, of UT haunting stories that might be new to our UT-based readers?

There are ghosts that have been experienced at the Capital Theater in Salt Lake, the Egyptian Theater in Ogden and a very active location in Ogden is the old Union Railroad Station. These are the locations I am at liberty to disclose. (I later found out that GIS only disclose investigations with the permission of the owner of the business or home to protect their privacy.)

7. In your research, did you come across any great haunted restaurants in UT that residents here might find appropriate for a lunch sometime before Halloween?

The Union Grill would be the only one I am able to mention.

8. What's the biggest myth about ghosts that people should know?

The myth that gripes me the most is that ghosts are evil or wicked. This is not the case. Most people have a preconceived notion what a ghost is supposed to look like or what they are. I understand that it can be un-nerving to have a ghost experience, but most ghosts are sad or confused. I would try to have people feel compassion for them and not fear.

9. Where do ghosts spend their time when they're not out haunting?

I would imagine they probably go about doing many things that they did in life. They are still the same person, just without a physical body.

10. When the inevitable happens, how would you like to spend your time as a ghost?

I plan on it, at least for a while, although since I really do not know what actually takes place at the time of death, I might no have what it takes. I always tell people that if you ever feel someone tap you on the shoulder and if there is no one there when you turn around, you’ll will know it’s me. I am a very happy person, and I believe most ghosts are not happy or have a situation unresolved.

11. Is there somewhere you’d like to haunt?

Too many places to mention.

12. How many of us do you suppose believe in ghosts?

I believe there are more than are willing to admit it. I am surprised at the amount of ridicule we get for investigating the phenomena! Another surprise is the amount of people who have said to me “I don’t believe in ghosts, but let me tell you about an experience I had…..”. Fortunately, I have noticed a positive change in peoples attitudes in the last 20 years.

13. What first drew you to the paranormal?

As I said, I was raised with it. My family always excepted the paranormal as a part of life and part of our world and that it is nothing to fear. I was not raised to fear what I don’t understand. It made me curious more than anything. On one hand, I want to know how it works but on the other hand, I love the mystery of it all.

14. How does a ghost hunter differ from a parapsychologist?

A hunter is just that, he hunts. I do not classify the G.I.S. as hunters. The Ghost Investigators Society investigates locations that have reported ghost activity taking place. A parapsychologist has the credentials, of course, and also has financial backing for equipment, travel, etc. The Ghost Investigators Society fund ourselves, so we are limited. It was a field I always wanted to get into, but no reputable schools offered the courses needed that I could find. There was not an internet to search. No one took me serious at that time.

15. Do you have a favorite novel or movie pertaining to the supernatural?

Oh yes. The movie “The Uninvited” is one of my favorites. Based on a true story. It’s old, I would guess early 1940’s. Another movie is “The Changeling” , another one based on a true story. I do not care for ghost “stories”, but I do enjoy researching actual ghost events.

16. Have you ever been in a situation that frightened you, or left you feeling uneasy?

Anything paranormal has never frightened me. It may someday, but it has not happened yet. I usually am more concerned or frightened about the living hurting me, especially when we are at certain locations on investigations.

17. Can you give us your definition of what a ghost or haunting is?

A ghost is the essence or spirit of a person who has lived, has had a body and has died, and for whatever reason, is still in our realm. I believe most ghost activity takes place due to a ghost trying to get someone’s attention. I believe they get very frustrated at times. Can you imagine how awful it would be to try to communicate with people and everyone ignores you? I feel very sorry for them.

18. Of all of your investigations concerning ghosts and hauntings, which cases stand out in your mind, which did you find to be the most interesting?

It was the wife a successful business man. He died unexpectedly and was in charge of his home, as well as his business. His office was in his home. He handled all of the finances and his wife had no idea who they owed or how much. She had always been a loving wife to him and a nurturing, loving mother to their children. His unexpected death was a shock to all who knew him.

Ghost activity started almost immediately upon his death, and continued on for months. His wife was a wreck and was unbelievably in the dark about even how to go about paying the bills. She had never worried about it before. She noticed most of the ghost activity took place in her husband’s office: drawers slamming or left opened. Books moved, items on his desk messed up. After a year had passed, and savings exhausted, she was on the verge of declaring bankruptcy, as she had no finances coming in. Her brother was the one that stumbled on all of the dead husband’s financial records and insurance policies, etc., while he was packing things up in the office, trying to help his sister. Once those things were discovered, the ghost activity stopped almost at once.

I believe he had been trying to show her where these things were, but she was too afraid and distraught to pay attention. To me, he had been trying to show her where the information was all along. This information saved the home from going into foreclosure and she is really well off financially today. Her husband was concerned about the welfare of his family, even in death. I am sure he regretted no relaying information to his wife prior to his death. His love for them prevented him from moving on. I have many more stories, but not enough space.

19. What is your opinion on today's "ghost busters" with their websites, radio and television shows that feature: electronic voice phenomena, thermometers, voltage meters and so on?

It’s a free country, people can do as they please. I believe many groups are looking for thrills & chills. Others seek fame & money. That is one thing I am proud about with The G.I.S. -we have never sold anything. We are not in this for the money. If anything, it costs us money. But any serious researcher I do not have a problem with. The more that is discovered about this subject, the better.


20. Do you believe in Bigfoot, UFO’s or any other non-mainstream event?

Until something is positively proven false, I have to leave room for the possibility of something. Just because I haven’t experienced or seen something, does not make it false. I know that there are molecules I cannot see, because science has proven they exist. How long did it take for science to be able to prove the existence of those molecules? We have just scratched the surface of science & knowledge. The more we learn, the more we learn we do not know that much.

21. Have you ever been slimed?

That is a silly question. I think you have watched too many “Hollywood” movies.

22. Is there any place that is haunted that you would never investigate?

No. If I could, that is what I would do for a living, and I would investigate every place that would let me in.

23. Do you think there are good and evil ghosts?

Of course. Just like there are good and evil people. But the majority of people, I believe, are good and descent.

24. When you get home from a hard nights investigation do you like to watch TV shows that are based on ghost like, The Ghost Whisper, Paranormal, Supernatural, X-Flies or Most Haunted? If so which one do you enjoy the most?

I really do not enjoy television. I could count on one hand how many times I have watched TV this past year. I have too many other things I enjoy doing. I’m usually exhausted by the time I get home, mentally & physically.

25. Can you explain why ghost look like people in person when people have witnessed seeing them, but in photographs they appear as balls of light?

I believe their energy is what you see in pictures and videos. I have theories on this, but I believe that when a person sees a ghost in human form, that ghost wanted you to see them. There have also been cases when the ghost is seen and the ghost reacts surprised when it is seen. This is one of the many mysteries of this phenomenon.

26. Do you do most of your investigations during the day or at night?

Mostly at night, just because it is more quiet then and there are less interruptions. We can also use all of our equipment at night, such as the night-vision cameras. But, we have had great investigations during the day, also, as far as getting recordings. Some of our best recordings has been during the day.

27. Is there a difference between ghosts that come out during the day compared to night ghosts?

Ghosts are there, both day and night. Most people are too busy and too much noise to notice it. If a ghost haunts a location, you can bet it is there any time of the day. Most activity is noticed at night, however, just because the noise factor is gone. Several business locations that have ghost have ghost activity during business hours. This rattles the secretary who works there, and these locations usually has a high turn over of employees.

28. Does this pay the bills or is it mostly a hobby?

No, it does not pay my bills, but I do not consider this a hobby. I have always been involved with this, even before it was the “in” thing to do.

29. Any last words to the readers on websites, books, or way they can learning more about ghost or becoming ghost hunters?

If this subject is something you have more than a passing interest in, I would encourage you to go to school and get your credentials. If you are a electronics expert or tech expert, and have a keen interest in the subject, there is a need for equipment to be developed in this research. If it is not a passion in finding out answers, and just more of passing interest, there are many good books on the subject.


Now that you have heard from someone that has been doing this for several years, you know more than most. If you would like to do your own investigations into the paranormal you’ve been warned…

North Dakota Man Marries 16th Century Courtesan

Deep in the North Dakota "up country," a recent migration of single women to the infinitely more sophisticated North Dakota "down country" has skyrocketed the male to female ratio to a staggering 17 to 1. The resulting severe feminine deficiency has led to an over-abundance of lonely, desperate bachelors littering the up country's streets and sleazy bars.

Although many bachelors have resorted to personal ads, matchmakers, and eHarmony, one up countryman was lucky enough to meet the love of his life while on holiday in Rome, Italy. While on a tour of the Colosseum, "Albert" spotted the beautiful and effervescent Genevieve floating serenely through the legendary hypogeum. Albert originally attributed Genevieve's glow and gravity defying grace to dehydration hallucinations, but later realized her otherworldly attributes were just that . . . otherworldly. Being a lonely and desperate up countryman, Albert seized the opportunity to meet a nice and presumably single woman, and quickly asked Genevieve out on a date.

Over a romantic dinner of rigatoni and chianti, Genevieve explained to Albert that she is the ghost of a 16th century courtesan who was strangled by a jealous lover in the corridors of the hypogeum. As many Rome natives will explain, Genevieve is a well-known local ghost who can be seen wandering the abandoned hypogeum at night still dressed in her courtesan white garb. She is said to wander in search of the true love she was denied in life because of her "profession."

It didn't take long for Albert to fall under the spell of the ghostly courtesan. Genevieve's finely honed feminine wiles made short work of capturing Albert's heart. Knowing he may never have this opportunity for love once he returned to the sausage-fest up country, Albert quickly asked the courtesan for her hand in marriage. Genevieve, having never been allowed to marry as a courtesan, eagerly accepted.

Although all public agencies and legitimate clerics refused to wed a man to a ghost, an internt-ordained minister wed the two in exchange for Albert's eHarmony account, which has been prepaid for the next three years. Pictured above, Albert and Genevieve were married in the minister's unfinished basement. The two lovebirds vowed to "love, honor, and cherish." The "'till death do us part" clause was understandably omitted.

Although it took the residents of the up country some time to accept Genevieve into their small, tight-knit community, they eventually warmed to the apparition, the men, of course being overwhelmingly susceptible to the charms of a courtesan.

All this Librarian can say is . . . Happy Halloween!

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

The Irish Lady in White

While on a trip to Milwaukee last weekend I came across a fitting story to relay. It seems the folklore behind the Lady in White or La Llorona as it is more commonly know is alive and well. I stayed at the County Clare a well and fine Irish Pub and Inn. While getting a warm meal an old Irish woman was performing for the crowd singing Ditties and telling tales. She was quite the character. She had her own clay pipe and harp that she took turns holding during the night.

One of her tales was of a local legend about the pub's name. It dates back to when it was first built in 1846. The family was forced out of Ireland due to the potato famine.

The Branigan family was large and every child had to find odd jobs to help support the family. Clare, the youngest daughter was weary of being made to mend socks and chew rich people's food for them. Clare wanted to seduce a young rich suitor, in hopes of a better life. Clare found a young man who was smitten by her beauty and they wed secretly. Clare had two children by him and for three years was truly happy, until the young man's father prearranged a beneficial marriage. Legend says Clare was driven mad with grief and worry and drowned their two kids in the Milwaukee river.



This is an actual picture of the attack, a young man named Joseph Tanner Mason, was near the river using a new invention called a camera, and mistakenly pointed the lens behind him near the river. He was surprised to discover these pictures instead of the rollicking paddle boats.

The picture can be found at the Pub next to the pay phone.

Clare drowned herself by getting in a large sack of potatoes and three feral cats and hopped into the fast moving river. The old Irish Lady said Clare's actions inspired two young siblings who witnessed the event, to create a game that we now know as the sack race.

Clare's family was heart broken and began to drink away their sorrows. One day it occurred to the family they should make a business out of their loss and opened the Country Clare Pub and Inn in memory of their daughter. Unfortunately Clare returns to her name sake every 38 years on the full moon and picks a young child to drown in a bathtub in room 404. Investigators say she doesn't want to do it, but is compelled to repeat her tragic mistakes. Unpleasant people say Clare's still mad even after death.

The old Irish Woman ended the story by giving this warning, "if you have any young ones or are young at heart. Don't go bathing on a full moon, as Clare might find you. Tis better to stink, and live another day."

You’ve been warned...

Happy Blog Action Day!

Today is the day, loyal readers, that thousands of bloggers unite their voices to discuss a common topic in order to spur a global conversation (yes today, check the date stamp). This year, that common subject is the environment.

We here at Library Conspiracies take the topic of the environment extraordinarily seriously. For this reason, we jumped at the opportunity to become part of the Blog Action Day Movement. When considering the many angles we might take for participating in this revolution, we unanimously decided on exposing the disheartening story of Ostergard, Minnesota.

A small town in southern Minnesota, Ostergard was once considered the sugar beet capital of the world, producing more gross tonnage of sugar beets than Kirghistan, Romania, Turkey, Iceland, Detroit, and Bulgaria combined.
That prestigious capitalship has recently been cruelly and without sympathy stripped away from the small town after a series of devastating droughts.

This unprecedented drought has rendered the city's entire sugar beet crop unpalatable by all save for a small colony of garbage-gut, starving postmodern artists who settled in the city in 2005. Unfortunately, those "broke-ass, hippie-dippy artists" as one town elder refers to the colony's resident's, refuse to pay more than 9 cents per pound for the shriveled Ostergard beets.

This would traditionally be the point in the post where we would digress into an in-depth discussion of global warming, shifting ocean currents, or even agricultural overwatering, but this wouldn't be Library Conspiracies if Ostergard's water shortage were a simple case of climate change or irresponsible squandering. Instead, Ostergard's farms have become victims of groundwater-siphoning Vaettirs.

Vaettirs (pictured right) are a Norse breed of pint-sized otherfolk who make their homes and reside underground. Natives of Norway, the Vaettirs settled in Ostergard in 1952 when they stowed away in a Minnesota-bound Jarlsberg cheese crate in search of religious freedom. The Vaettirs quickly built a thriving miniature metropolis beneath the fertile soil of the Ostergard sugar beet farms. For over fifty years, the Vaettirs lived in harmony with farmers, redirecting only enough water away from sugar beet roots to sustain their community and safeguard the plants from overwatering.

Two years ago, however, the death of benevolent King Thor Haralsson IVX left the Vaettir community under the rule of King Sven Olafson, or as his subjects refer to him, Olaf the Terrible. As you would expect with any garden-variety tyrant, Olaf swiftly instituted a set of self-serving social initiatives.

As his first act as King, Olaf ordered the construction of an ostentatious palace which includes a ridiculous number of Greco-Roman baths and pools, the likes of which have not been seen since the time of Nero. Olaf's obsession with enormously extravagant swimming and bathing facilities have led those who don't refer to him as Olaf the Terrible to refer to him as Little Nero.

In addition to the pools and baths, Olaf has also overseen the construction of an intricate fountain system, the likes of which have not been seen since the time of Louis XIV. It is said that the water needed to run the grandiose fountain system is so great that when they are activated, all bodily functions must be suspended because there is not enough water left in the Vaerttir civic water system to even "let the yellow mellow" let alone "flush the brown down." Olaf's obsession with ornate fountain systems have led those who don't refer to him as Olaf the Terrible or Little Nero to refer to him as Lil' Louis.

The water needed to constantly run the self-serving aqua-pleasures of Olaf have become so great that legions of able-bodied Vaettirs have been consigned to labor camps which force workers to constantly wring out the sugar beet roots into large aquifers in order to ensure a constant flow of freshwater to his pools, baths, and fountains. Large, complex aqueducts have also been built which redirect water from irrigation canals, watering basins, ponds, and bathtubs.

As you can imagine, this constant and brazen siphoning of groundwater away from the sugar beet roots has created a devastating drought despite record precipitation. Because of this groundwater drought, farmers are unable to grow anything other than tiny, withered, crusty sugar beets that taste like . . . tiny, withered, crusty sugar beets. Many farmers have already been forced to sell their farms and pursue careers as vikings in Capital One commercials.

The few farmers remaining in Ostergard are pinning their hopes on the results of a coup currently being planned by Olaf's second cousin, Hans the Procrastinator, but he has been talking about starting this coup for the last two years . . . so you can imagine.

All this Librarian can say is . . . sugar beets . . . what the hell are sugar beets?

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Bigfoot in Suburbia

This report hits close to home. I have a near and dear friend (let's call him Jason) that has been attacked by the same vindictive Bigfoot, three separate times. The first time Jason considered it common place. Who hasn't had at least one encounter with a Bigfoot, or as I prefer to call them North American Yeti or NAY. It wasn't until the second incident that Jason got worried and began to take action. He started compiling a file and kept detailed records of each incident.

1. The first happened over night and Jason wasn't even aware that there was a problem until he went out to go to work in the morning, and noticed his back windshield was shattered and ripped open. In the glass and on the back seat he discovered samplings of long brown-red hairs. That had a distinct smell. Jason described the smell as, "my dog Burma after treein' a skunk and then walking home in the rain". This is similar to other eye-witness accounts of the unique smell of a NAY.

Speculators might say that it could have been a dog, but the anchor to the story is the fact that Jason's box of Slim Jims that he kept under his driver seat for the long hauls was gone. "No durn dog is goin take my Slim Jims and not leave a mess of paper and wrappers behind".




2. The second encounter was weird and proves the vindictive nature of this particular NAY. While driving home from work one night about four months after the first event. Jason was enjoying a car heated McMuffin he had forgotten about on his drive to work in the morning. When, "Shaish! The glass shatters again in the back seat winder." A fellow co-worker (we'll call her) Julie saw the whole thing and reported that she thought "a depressed bird had flown into and then shattered the window". The truth was far far darker. Julie and Jason pulled over to inspect his window and discovered a crude mud pie that had been baked by the sun as the cause of the window shattering. Before any of you might say "damn kids" the finger prints found on the mud pie were three times the size of Jason and twice the size of Julie's. After inspecting the damage and using Julie's emergency car phone to call AAA Jason went back to his car to wait and discovered the mud pie and his McMuffin were gone. "It was at that moment that I knew that damn Yeti knew where I worked and lived, and by Gilligan he was after my food."



NAY are not that far off the evolutionary ladder from say the bear or racoon, and we have all seen Grizzly Man and know what happens when someone feeds a wild animal.

I'm not saying that Jason was the cause but he has become the undeserved victim in this deadly ballet.


3. The final incident that brings us to the current time was a month ago. Jason was watching his nightly Perry Mason when he heard a loud, "CraYptch!" and without thinking of his own safety Jason grabbed his 1942 Packard Clipper hubcap that he always has on hand for protection and headed for his car. He saw it for the first time walking down the charming street with overhanging tree branches sucking on one of his pickled pig's feet. Without thinking Jason threw his hubcap frisbee style at the NAY hitting it in the flabby left love handle causing it to drop the jar of pig’s feet and run.



Jason took a photo of the last break in for proof and naysayer’s. It is clear to anyone that the hole in the back of his windshield looks just like a giant foot has crushed the window. and the scale of the picture shows the foot to be almost half the size of the whole window. Truly amazing proof.



Now as a librarian, I know this all sounds hard to believe even from our 47 loyal reader's but I swear on my degree Jason, has had and might continue to have encounters with a NAY that appears to steal the food from his car. After hearing the story, I had to ask Jason, what he's learned from the series of events. He had this to say, "Well I have to say I knew something was goin on be it heat expansion, warped glass, but I never thought I would be the target of on going Yeti attacks. I must say after I caught him red handed with my pig's feet I don't leave no more food in my car I either eat it or take it with me when I get out".

I hope you've all been educated about this serious problem we face as a society. As we continue to encroach on our few remaining wild places we will be the ones who will suffer for it. Be it a mountain lion that attacks and kills a morning runner or yeti that break into your car for random scraps of food. You can't feed wild animals without eventually getting bitten.

You've been warned...

Suspiciously Addictive Nacho Cheese Chips Have a Secret Ingredient . . . Heroin!

Frank and Ada Gross never believed that their angelic 8 year old son, Eric would ever fall prey to the dark grasp of addiction. However 576 family sized packages of Nacho Cheese Boritos later, it had became evident that their son had developed a nacho cheese dependency for the popular chips.

"It seemed like we never saw him without one of those giant red bags." Ada explains, "He ate them morning, noon, and night. My walls were constantly covered in orange fingerprints and he ruined three couches by wiping his hands on the cushions."

Frank and Ada first became suspicious of the tasty chips when they found large, hidden stockpiles of Nacho Cheese Boritos throughout their home. Eric had begun covertly hoarding the chips to ensure he always had an available "stash."

As Ada recalls, "I once found a family-size bag of Boritos taped under the lid of the toilet tank. Then another was stuffed into the heating duct. I found that one last winter when our house started to stink of burned cheese. He hid bags everywhere: at the bottom of the dog food bag, in flour jars, in the legs of his Sunday slacks, in a hollowed out radio, inside a teddy bear, and he even cut a hole into his mattress. He went crazy destroying things to make hiding places for those damn chips."

As Frank would soon discover, those "damn chips" where not just tasty, but genuinely addictive. After two years of constant Nacho Cheese Boritos consumption, Eric Gross' face and teeth have become permanently stained orange with nacho cheesy goodness.

After attempts to remove the facial stain with steam cleaners, pressure washers, Palmolive, bleach, Ajax, steel wool, Oxi Clean, baking soda, and three walks through The Softy Suds Car Wash failed, Frank finally turned to family friend and chemist, Hudson Ernest. Frank's hope was that Hudson would be able to uncover the chemical makeup of the orange pigment in order to design an effective cleaning agent.

What Hudson discovered was nothing short of shocking. He found that an unlisted ingredient in the cheesy chips is diacetylmorphine diamorphine, known more commonly on the streets as heroin. The heroin is added to the nacho cheese chips in small enough amounts as to be undetected during the legendarily stringent FDA inspections, but potent enough to ensure the repulsively ravenous consumption demonstrated by little Eric Gross.

A close examination of the words "Nacho Cheese Boritos" also reveals a disturbing case of subliminal advertising designed to guarantee their selection from grocery store shelves.

Consumers are unwittingly being hypnotized by the insidious anagram "nacho cheese boritos = choose 2 eat heroin."

As physician of neuroscience, Dr. Petra Krycek explains, "It is simply the nature of our logical cerebral cortex to seek out patterns and reorder to find further order. The makers of Nacho Cheese Boritos are clearly exploiting this natural obsessive compulsive proclivity."

The combination of the heroin additive and the hypnotic advertising have combined to create dual vector addictive ploy to bolster sales and produce legions of 'NCB junkies.'

The makers of Nacho Cheese Boritos declined to comment on Hudson Ernest's chemical analysis or Eric's obvious addiction.

To date, Frank and Ada have been unable to remove the nacho stain marring their young son's face and teeth, but are optimistic about a new concoction of borax, lye, ammonia, lamb intestine, and eye of newt, a recipe they received from new age healer, Sunbeam Epoxy Starlight.

All this Librarian can say is . . . Choose 2 Read Library Conspiracies.

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

Instaneous Lap Pet Combustion

It is a serious problem that not many people are aware of. ILPC as most specialists call it is a rare phenomenon that occurs due to over zealous petting of a lap pet. The friction builds up between the person's hand and pet's fur which can become more unstable than nitroglycerin. All it takes is a small spark of electricity and BOOM your cat or dog goes up in flames.

There are two people that were willing to tell me their stories for this post.

The first story's photo is the above photograph. Q (as she wanted to be known as) had her twin sister take the photo of her prize winning poodle Fee-Fee. It was taken just after winning the Glendive, MT grand champion showing for the third year in a row and as Q says "Putting that Bitch Gigi, in her place!" Q was giving Fee-Fee her celebratory pat down when her twin shuffled over in nothing but her socks and tried to give Fee-Fee a pat on the head. "Next thing you know, Fee-Fee's on fire! and still the show dog, calm as can be and waiting the judge's inspection of her rear end. Naturally I had to get a picture of this for the family Christmas card before putting out the flames." I had asked Q what she did for Fee-Fee's burns and she replied, "Honey all you have to do is let the animal lick its wounds with a bit of Tabasco sauce on it. They'll stop sure as a bum on a quarter." After that I felt it was time to leave Anson, ME




This next story is a bit disturbing as it results in an entire room catching fire. Shirley is a bit zany. Shirley lost most of her mental faculties and so she spends most of her time sitting in front of a blank wall screaming at dancing leprechauns and explicit elves. This type of activity is a damaging environment for ILPC. It tends to increase the chances of an outbreak and for Shirley's case caused her staring wall to burn down. Shirley's lap cat is named Dog after her last pet that died of unknown causes. From what Shirley’s home nurse explained to me Dog had learned over the years not to upset Shirley or try to get off of her lap without permission. "Poor old Dog just sat there on fire and let Shirley continue to pet it. At one point it looked like Shirley would smoother the flame but then she'd go to scratchn' the cat and send sparks everywhere that's how the room caught fire." The fire department would release a statement saying, "The unnatural collection of dried onion skins, newspapers and the odd assortment of open aired cans of bacon fat was disaster waiting to happen." I asked Shirley’s home nurse why she didn’t do anything but she explained she doesn’t get paid to put out fires and she all pointed out that it was her that took the photo. To this day Shirley still believes it was the elves that started the fire.

The last picture doesn't have a story other than being the reason I started this investigation. I have a hobby of exploring condemned homes that have burnt down for unusual trinkets that have been misshape by fire. While on one of my outings I discovered a clear spot in the center of what looked to be the family room where I discovered this grizzly scene which made my heart yearn to discover how something like this could happen. What I found was what appears to be a group of four to five small kittens or what remains of the kittens and I can only guess that the mixture of their cuteness, carpet and socked children gave birth to my first case of ILPC.



For the sake of the animals please educate your grandparents and family members that are a bit crazy when it comes to their pets.

You've been warned...

SAT Test Cracked by Two High School Students

Students across the country may get to breathe a sigh of relief when it comes to the dreaded SATs. It seems months of stressful, diligent studying by over-achieving know-it-alls, and last-minute, caffeine-fueled cramming by lazy, back row slackers may just be a thing of the past when it comes to this standardized test. Two Hawthorne High School students claim to have "cracked" the SAT test by uncovering a guessing method with an accuracy rate of 91%.

It all began when, H.H.S. student, Finnegan Brewer received his first round of SAT scores in the mail. He was confused, yet pleasantly surprised. As he explains, "I was confused, yet pleasantly surprised. I opened up my scores. I got a 728 [out of a possible 800] on the critical reading section. I was happy because that's a great score, but at the same time I was really confused. There's no way I scored that high. That section was really boring. I'm more of a graphic novel guy, and there weren't any pictures so I just hurried and guessed. I spent the rest of the time drawing pictures of boobs on my standard issue, two sheets of scratch paper."

When Finnegan told his best friend and fellow H.H.S mathlete, Lester Cromwell of his unexplainable high critical reading score, Lester's analytical antennas were buzzing. "When Finnegan told me the story of the guessing, and the boobs, and the really high score, my analytical antennas were buzzing. He told me he had used the chant 'Inka binka, bottle of ink. The cork fell out and you stink' to guess; whatever choice 'stink' landed on he chose. Well because we are both highly respected mathletes, we just had to look into this guessing method."

What followed was a rigorous and highly scientific study of four guessing methods, using four different childhood chants:

1. Inka binka bottle of ink. The cork fell out and you stink!

2. One spot. Two spot. Zig zag tear. Pop-die. Pennygot. Tennyum. Tear. Harum. Scare 'em, rip 'em. Tear 'em. Tay. Taw Toe.

3. One potato. Two potato. Three potato, four. Five potato. Six potato. Seven potato more.

4. Eenie. Meanie. Miny. Mo. Tell me the answer 'cause I don't know.

Finnegan and Lester paid 40 "total burnouts, with no future" $2.00 to take the SATs each using one of the chants to choose their answers. Each burnout would choose the answer the last word in the chant landed on. The results were startling.

The ten burnouts using "Inka Binka" received an average score of 1486 [out of a possible 1600]. This score is only 216 points less than the required test score for acceptance at Harvard University. The other three chants fared less well with an average score of 690, though this score is still high enough to get into most state junior colleges. Surprisingly, "Eenie. Meanie. Miny. Mo" was disastrous with an average combined score of less than 196, despite the fact that the chant promises to "tell you the answer."


"When we saw the results, we were shocked," tells Finnegan. "That's when we put on our forest green mathlete sweaters, grabbed our graphing calculators, and went to work analyzing the "Inka Binka chant."

What the boys discovered was an underlying mathematical relationship within that chant that led directly the the Golden Ratio. When the boys divided the number of syllables in the chant by the total number of choices, then multiplied that number by 2 (the type of pencil required to take the test) and then divided that number by the number of letters in the chant ((X/Y) x 2)/Z), the result was the number 1.6180339, the Golden Ratio.

Some experts believe the Golden Ratio is the fundamental essence of the universe; a number which guides all that is natural and inevitable. It is, most simply put, the key to the universe. It is because of this natural mathematical relationship between elements of the chant and the test itself that the magical Golden Ratio ensures an almost perfect selection of the correct answer.

All this Librarian can say is . . . Inka binka bottle of ink. The cork fell out and the SATs stink!

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

UPDATE: Finnegan Brewer and Lester Cromwell will be delivering their paper "The Golden Ratio and the SATs: What they Don't want You to Know" at the annual Freshmen Publication Conference this Saturday at Harvard University, where both boys have been accepted after studying for the SATs for three hours the night before and using the "Inka Binka Method."

Grandma's Gold Diggin Coroner

This report is both disturbing and dark. You've been warned. I found out through a close employee who's lost three of her four grandparents in the last six months. During one of the cremations, she discovered her Grandmother's gold grill was missing in the ash. This caused the family to approach the funeral home and coroner. The Coroner, Mr. Plymann, said it was standard protocol to pull the gold fillings from people that are prepared for cremation. My fellow employee, who I will refer to as E-Q, was suspicious of the Funeral Home, which was rather lavish in its decor, ordered the exhumation her other two grandparents bodies to check their gold fillings.

She discovered they both had their gold fillings pulled from their mouths. E-Q was shocked and when she went to Aurum Funeral home to speak to Mr. Plymann he was absent, but she did explore the lower levels of the building and came across two things, one was the picture in which you can clearly see a large grouping of different gold teeth that have already been pulled from cadavers,
and the second picture was a male cadaver's mouth open and ready for pulling.
The last thing she discovered was a home schooling packet called, "So You Want to Rob the Dead: A How-to Guide." It even came with a fake set of teeth Mr. Plymann could practice on.


After E-Q went to the police and reported what she discovered, she went to speak to her lawyer. She expected a quick response, but instead the funeral home closed and Mr. Plymann disappeared. E-Q has tried to get in contact with her case officer and lawyer and neither has returned her calls. Out of desperation she turned to me and my deep rooted desire to spread truth.

Before you take your loved ones to their final rest, make sure their teeth go with them. Demand that the coroner not sew their mouths closed.

You've been warned...

Genetically Engineered Chihuahuas Uncovered in Nome, Alaska

An insanely ferocious desire for an Iditarod victory has driven one man to genetically engineer giant chihuahuas on his ice farm in Nome, Alaska.

Wishing only to be identified as "Steve," for fear of being blacklisted in the dog sledding world, the perennial loser of the 1,151 mile dog sled race into the interior of Alaska began experimenting with chihuahua breeding after being bitten by his neighbor's yappy little chihuahua, Miguel.

"I looked down at my ankle, shaking it, the rat-looking dog gnarling up at me. He was locked down on my ankle like it was a ham bone," recalls Steve. "I swear he thought he was a rottweiler the way he was eying me. That's when I realized these ferocious little dogs just might have the gumption it takes to win the Iditarod. Anyone who owns a chihuahua will tell you that these little guys have a major Napoleon Complex and just love sticking it to other dogs. I just knew in my gut that this little dog biting into my achilles tendon was revealing the path to Iditarod victory."

It took several failed attempts at assembling an effective chihuahua team before Steve came to the conclusion that unnaturally large chihuahuas were needed.

"I lost seventeen good chihuahuas before I realized that their tiny little bodies with their chicken bone legs just weren't cut out for pulling a 300 lb. dog sled in arctic temperatures. That's when I realized I was going to have to build a better chihuahua."

Steve's first foray into genetic engineering was breeding a saint bernard with a chihuahua. He hoped to retain the hearty constitution and size of the saint bernard and the tenacity and speed of the chihuahua. The result (pictured left) was a "saint chirnard" named Berny. Unfortunately Berny proved to be night blind as a result of his incandescent eyes and unable to run more than 3 yards at a time because his heart and lungs were both the size of walnuts. Sadly Berny died only a few months after his birth when Steve discovered, too late, that Berny was deathly allergic to snow and ice.

It was only after Berny's untimely death that Steve stumbled onto his genetic recipe for success. Using a sophisticated lab set and DNA sequencer he found on craigslist, and a quick Google of "genetic engineering," Steve began manipulating the genes of chihuahua embryos to create 150 lb. dogs that would be impervious to frigid arctic temperatures and be able to run with gazelle-like speed. In order to ensure the puppies would grow not just large, but muscular, he also started each newborn puppy on a cycle of anabolic steroids, growth hormones, and good old fashioned wheat germ. Each puppy is also only allowed to consume high calorie protein shakes.

"The results of the genetic engineering have been great," brags Steve. "I have managed to create the perfect Iditarod dog. These tenacious giant chihuahuas can run like the wind while pulling a dog sled. The cold temperatures don't bother them a bit and best of all, they have absolutely no shame when it comes to nipping at the ankles of their competitors. I think we really have a shot this year . . . plus the roid rage really gives them a competitive edge."

Although Steve's team of dog sledding chihuahuas remain untested in the rigors of the Iditarod, he remains confident his string of losses will end in 2008.

All this Librarian can say about giant chihuahuas is . . . if you can't fit it in a cute handbag, then I just don't want anything to do with it.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Berny and the 17 chihuahuas who lost their lives during Steve's journey to Iditarod glory: Pepe, Angelo, Bruno, Taco, Chiquita, Stuart, Carlito, Maxwell, Tony Montano, Capone, Sleepy, Dopey, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Grumpy, and Doc (admittedly, Steve got a little lazy with the names toward the end.)

--Katerine O'Brien-Smith

Mattel Toy Recall: Ritual Suicide and Communist Bugging

The world was alerted to the massive Mattel toy recall earlier this week. The massive recall cost the company $30 million dollars, which the mainstream news likes to use as the reason Cheung Shu-hung, hung himself in his warehouse. The truth is far more alarming.

Cheung Shu-hung actually discovered the conspiracy of the Chinese Government’s plot to plant bugs, in the popular American toys in hopes of learning the secrets of their greatest competitors. Shu-hung, discovered that what the news is reporting as magnets were actually bugs, and the reason the Chinese Government painted the toys with lead paint was to protect the bugs from being discovered by X-ray machines and the American Oppressor - Superman.

What the Chinese Government didn’t plan for was the in-born desire of every American child to destroy and eat their toys. It’s a well studied fact that American children have a bad jones for eating their toys as well as stick uneatable objects into their mouths.

It was only after Shu-hung’s own adopted American daughter, pried her “Polly Pocket” apart and attempted to shove the toy in her mouth that Shu-hung stopped her and discovered the bug.

He felt it his duty to report his findings by sending out a massive spam email encoded with his discovery which might be the reason why no one has as yet to report the truth. He committed ritual suicide after the manner of his Chinese providence by hanging himself at his place of work for failing to catch the treachery of his government sooner.

We dedicate this post to his family.

You’ve been warned…

Lake Monster Captured on Film in Bear Lake, Utah

A peaceful August afternoon in Bear Lake, Utah was thrown into panicked chaos as the cool, clear waters suddenly revealed the serpentine body of the mythical Bear Lake Monster. Terrified onlookers watched as the large monster gracefully swam 217 yards before submerging and disappearing back into the lake's legendary blue depths.

The Bear Lake Monster has a long history dating back the the 1800's, when it was first documented by Native American tribes in the region. The monster has been described as a "water dragon," "aquatic dinosaur," and even a "giant beaver," but on this afternoon, the monster revealed itself as an enormous snake-like beast capable of swimming at high speeds.


On the afternoon of August 12, 2007, the monster was first sighted by a man known only as "Uncle Marty." Pictured left, Uncle Marty first spotted the monster while shotgunning his third Keystone Light.

"As I bit down on the bottom of the can, you know . . . for the shotgun, I saw this giant snake just poke up out of the water. Well I threw down my brewskie, right into the sand and ran to the water."

Witnesses recall Uncle Marty running to the lake's edge, trampling a day-long sandcastle endeavor in the process.

"He just stood there, pointing and screaming like a little girl, a high-pitched, almost soprano scream" recalls an unnamed family member. "We all just thought he was just . . . you know . . . plastered, but there it was out in the water, the biggest snake I had ever seen so I grabbed my camera from my brother who was using it to take pictures of his butt and snapped a few pictures of the monster. We all just couldn't believe what we were seeing."

Although no other witnesses reported seeing the Bear Lake Monster that afternoon, the family of Uncle Marty vehemently maintain they all saw the beast. Although it should be noted that gallons of jungle juice were reportedly consumed by Uncle Marty and his family that afternoon.

When questioned, one nephew (too young to consumer alcohol) was quoted as saying "All I remember is seeing Uncle Marty peeing on the sandcastle I spent all day building . . . what a jerk-face!"

All this Librarian can say is . . . water dragon, aquatic dinosaur, giant beaver, drunken hallucination, or blatant crappy Photoshop edit, the myth of the Bear Lake Monster lives on.

Pass the jungle juice!

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

La Surge of Power

While looking for the best way to weave a Navaho corn basket for a patron, I stumbled upon an interesting file in our special collections vault. Evidence that the French Government is in league with Aliens.

It all starts with the power surge. Every power surge is actually interferences from UFOs either entering or exiting our atmosphere.

To understand why the French Government would be in alliance with Aliens is a more complex story to tell:

It all begins with James Prescott Joule, you see it is Joule, who with his new theories destroyed the reputation of one of Frances most brilliant minds; Antoine Lavoisier. Joule disproved his caloric theory. The French were shamed and we all know how snotty the French can be.

Earlier this year we found out that the French Government has had a large file on UFO sightings that until recently they’ve held secret. They got wind of the leaked information that I came across and they thought by releasing a small percentage of the information I would let up, but this Librarian knows the truth. Not only does the French Government have a file on UFOs but they have made certain agreements with the Aliens that when they launch their first wave France will be spared from once again being the invading armies’ biatch.

Who could blame them, since Napoleon they haven’t seen any real military success. Why wouldn’t they try and suck up to the next Alien-Hitler. No we shouldn’t blame the French cowards all they know is pastries, throaty laughs and pompous dance steps. But now that the secrets out what can they do? Will they stand by and allow the rest of mankind to be enslaved?

Will they continue to try and lead us to believe that power surges are voltage spikes and not in fact the result of an alien technology entering and exiting our planet?

You’ve been warned…

Evolution Takes A Leap Forward in La Verkin, Utah

Evolution took one giant leap forward in the small town of La Verkin, Utah with the birth of little Edna Mae Sofaman.

Edna (pictured left) was born on August 17, 2007 with a fully developed set of adult teeth.

Edna's dentist, Dr. Harry Roper had this to say, "Well, I'll be darned if that little bugger wasn't born with a full set of adult chompers. We did a whole battery of x-rays and there's not a baby tooth to be found; it's like she just skipped right over em'!"

There were early signs of Edna's unique . . . "evolutionary advancement." Thirty two weeks into her pregnancy, Edna's mother, Vera Sofaman, began complaining of painful gnawing sensations in her stomach. A quick ultrasound revealed that little Edna had been busy attempting to chew her way out of the womb.

"I couldn't believe what I was seeing during the ultrasound" commented Vera's OB/GYN, Dr. Sanford, "there was little Edna, just chewing away at the uterus like she didn't have a care in the world."

"That's our little Edna." comments Vera Sofaman with a chuckle, "She's quite the little eater. She just loves to eat . . . especially corn on the cob. She just loves to put them big teeth to good use!"

Although no conclusive cause of Edna's advanced state of dental development has been uncovered, the Sofaman Family Worm Farm is rumored to be situated on a cache of nuclear waste that is the legacy of Cold War nuclear development in the region.

Vinnie Sofaman, Edna's father, tries to keep a positive outlook on the whole situation, "Radioactive or not, she's my little princess, and I love her, big ol' rabbit teeth and all."

When asked to comment on Edna Sofaman's condition, The United States Nuclear Regulatory Commission would only be quoted as saying, "We don't think of Edna's teeth as a freakish byproduct of sloppy nuclear regulation, but one great leap forward in evolution for all mankind."

All this Librarian can say is, if you ever find yourself in La Verkin Utah, stop by the Sofaman Family Worm Farm and maybe have some corn on the cob with little Edna, but pass when they offer you a glass of cool, crisp well water because after all, it's a thin line between evolution and just plain freaky.

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith

The Truth about Bob Avakian

Supposedly Bob Avakian’s location has been unknown and held as a deep guarded secret from the U.S. Government. Due to his reported dangerous revolutionary ideals in regards to Communism and his economic support of the Black Panthers. After a vicious march in Washington D.C., he reportedly harmed several policemen, which forced him into self imposed exile to France in 1981.

This Librarian has been able to uncover the truth! Bob Avakian was truly in deep cover for the United States Government. His real name is actually Herald Varian, a well mannered and quiet Shaker from New Lebanon, N.Y with a deep abiding patriotism for his country.

While attending the University of California, Berkeley, Bob discovered an underground movement led by Mario Savio. Savio’s end goal was to spread the red flu across America. Bob offered his services to the US Government in hopes of finding a way to undermine the movement.

Actually, Bob’s supposed altercation with the Washington D.C. police in 1981 was a false report. This was made up to help put “Bob” in the position of assistant to the real ring leader, Albin O. Kuhn. Kuhn was using his power as the Executive Vice President of the University System of Maryland to sub-plant his master plan; to elect a communist president who would destroy the American Government as we know it; all to make his childhood stamp collection more valuable.

“Bob Avakian” used his newly formed position to stop Kuhn, but at great risk to himself and his family. Albin O. Kuhn was never brought to justice due to “Bob’s” unorthodox methods and is still at large to this day plotting his next move. Bob was put into the witness relocation program shortly after the court case was dropped.

You have been warned…

Laser Pointers Linked to IQ and Grade Decline at Upstate New York University

Last winter, several undergraduate students enrolled in The Avenue University in Upstate New York reported rapid and unexplained declines in grade point averages and general IQ. Prompted by the influx of such claims, the university ordered an investigation into the alleged brain drain. The university quickly discovered a startling link between the use of laser pointers during lectures and the degenerating intelligence of its student population.

All students reporting intelligence loss were enrolled in courses taught by either Dr. Theodore Tarquin, a professor of Anthropology, or Dr. Ana Benoit, a professor of Medieval Literature. Both professors are well-known for their heavy reliance on the use of laser pointers to draw attention to areas of their rudimentary and poorly crafted PowerPoint presentations.

As 'Student X' (pictured left), a student enrolled in Bonsai Cultivation 210 (a niche interest area of Dr. Tarquin's) reported, "Day after day, it was those damn PowerPoint presentations. You'd think what with it being a bonsai class we would get to prune bonsai, but no . . . just class after class of really crappy PowerPoint presentations full of low resolution pics of people pruning bonsai! Just watching that laser bounce around the projector screen pointing to fuzzy pics, I could feel myself getting more stupider."

More stupider, indeed.

Head of the Theoretical Laser Technology and Integrated Subatomic Particle-Execlematronics Department at The Avenue University, Dr. Hubert Snelligan believes the quantum-mechanical and thermodynamical process of laserization is inhibiting the brain's ability to correctly nueralize thought processes. Dr. Tarquin and Dr. Benoit use laser pointers so often in lieu of any kind of refined lecturing skills that their classrooms have become saturated by rampant laserization byproducts, which are literally making their students more stupider.

"The laserization process that occurs during the use of laser pointers is creating an unstable atomic atmosphere, and loose electrons are clouding the neurological paths within the brain, rendering even the most basic intelligences . . . well . . . defunk," stated Dr. Snelligan.

Fearing that the general public might learn of The Avenue University faculty's unregulated use of PowerPoint presentations and laser pointers as replacements for the acquisition of even the most basic teaching skills, the formal report filed by Dr. Snelligan and the Internal Affairs Investigative Team has since been buried. It is currently stuffed in the decrepit and dank academic library stacks of The Avenue University's Early Euclidean Geometrical and Algebraic Expressions section. Because the truth about the harmful effects of laser pointers has been buried by The Avenue University, as of this post, laser pointers are currently still being used in over 55,000 college classrooms, and interrupting 789 movies annually, leaving hundreds of thousands of American vulnerable to Laserization Dumification.

Dr. Tarquin could not be reached for comment, but Dr. Benoit happily reports that she is currently creating a PowerPoint Presentation on Early English Literature that will include what will be a small laser-highlighted gif animation featuring Sir Gawain decapitating an understandably pissed Grendel. This Librarian didn't want to point out that it is in fact Beowulf who decapitates not Grendel, not Sir Gawain but with all that rampant laserization, can you blame her?

--Katherine O'Brien-Smith